saving grace

in a blink of an eye.

"no matter how improbable things may be, i’ll always be thankful for that light. eleanor helped me realize things without even trying to. more than she’ll ever know, she gave me reasons to move forward. i just pray that this goes somewhere."

my saving grace.

rigby

it's over and done.who would've thought that the frail boy a year ago would somehow find a way to bounce back.

as i was cruising on the widened streets, i couldn't help but notice the changes the year made. the green, yellow and red lights were certainly new, but so was the man behind the wheel. i've been thinking of tagging along an ally to fill-in the awkward situations i've visualized. but there was no need. i owe this to myself. seemingly displaying testicular fortitude, i came alone.

and there it was. the house i once called home. the faces i once called family. this time, my smiles weren't fake. except for one. maybe they were surprised by my presence that this guy made that tasteless remark. the fake smile was for that remark. other than that unfortunate instance, the rest of the afternoon was okay. it wasn't good but it wasn't bad either. it was just what i expected, small talks for catching up, awkward moments as the hosts entertain the others, and my long sought indifference towards the couple. what was unexpected was that i did it.

with a christmas dinner with college friends to go to, i had to leave that party. after waiting for an electrical commotion to settle down and after collecting the loot bag, i was off and that was it. my friends were somewhat eager to hear the story and were surprised themselves that i actually went through with it, and went through with it alone. it's not really that i had steel cojones, it's just that i don't really care about what will be said nor what will be. i am too far blinded by my shining light to be stuck in despair.

no matter how improbable things may be, i'll always be thankful for that light. eleanor helped me realize things without even trying to. more than she'll ever know, she gave me reasons to move forward. i just pray that this goes somewhere.

southbound (railway trackback)

another railway trackback post took too long to materialize. duncan's haunting voice on his self-titled set the tone. on my way home, on my way up north, the flashes inside my head were southbound.

monumento, the first. am i late? i veered left and she's already there, patiently waiting. i walk past the queue and everyone that ascends become her. what's taking her so long?

5th. never mind the red in the timecard, a promise is a promise.

r. papa has always been for kaye. the station became an airport of sorts, a simple transaction becoming the last conversation, an unspoken goodbye for almost a decade.

abad santos. skip. blumentritt. skip. tayuman. skip. bambang. who rides at bambang? seriously? doroteo jose. skip. carriedo. stop. the infamous eastern garden lumpia, my secret weapon.

central terminal. a few minutes walk to the city, butterfly shirts, and sunshine.

united nations, she slipped, i held her hand.

pedro gil. from chasing tuesday to losing may. where everything began. i didn't mind the mindless chase, i stood up at the right time but i folded at the wrong time.

quirino, my first taste of money. vito cruz, eyebrows crossed impatiently waiting.

gil puyat, my new domain. i look across and i see her tired eyes and sleepy arms wrapped around me. we'll be home soon.

libertad, fire.

edsa, my end. i raced towards a silhouette. small talks led to big issues. and that was the last.

riding the train will never be the same again i said once. it did. i fell into the trap again of looking out and looking in, the lonely train ride as my timeline of have beens and what could have beens.

in a place where no stations will be memorable because the whole ride will be, that's where i wanna be.

glass

with no one interested to listen, this page will soak my spill. everybody seems to be in the middle of their own personal battles, winning and losing, the outcome of the war still uncertain.

i tested the water and it's cold. might as well be the funny guy and just let it all be. i can't say i didn't try. i did. but it was darn too soon, and the way i handled it was too darn stupid. looking back, i can't believe i said those stupid words however true they were. half a year later and it's a different ballgame. different maybe to the home team but nothing new to the visitors. just another game to play. check that. just another game not to play. that sounds just about right. i really wanted to comfort her, but the mere gesture will probably make her uncomfortable. holding back the prince charming effect was no match to her frailty damsel in distress ways.

i look left and i look right, distracting myself at the prize never meant to be mine. the left i believe is relatively easier but the repercussions heavier. i'm no thief. the right is still undefined. the link triggered but the connection still pending.

own

the rain slams hard on rooftops as the sound resonates from the world i created bounded by my ears. halfway through a bottle of wine, i'm lost at finding the right words to echo my sentiments but at the same time hide it.

hands tied, i suddenly became the fool on the hill watching the world change before his eyes. screaming didn't help as the sound from my lungs was empty. struggling to get out only made my wrists sore as evidenced by the scars. might as well stay still and wait for salvation and vindication.

the streets won't be dry for a while.

down

too young to hold on, too old to just break free and run

going down the winding street, ears covered with jeff buckley's haunting voice, i didn't mind the people, i looked up, wondering while wandering. i glanced at my watch and the small hand was already at four.

pushing sticks, dropping balls. bucket after bucket i drowned the forgotten. almost a year has passed yet the words still point north.

lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in

there is nothing left to lose, i have lost everything. the thrill i get is short-lived, lasting only a few rounds, then goes back bland. the laughter is heard from across the room. it came from the inside, it came from me. volume down and it's me i hear, thinking what else do i need to do.

so (if) i'll wait for you... i'll burn, will I ever see your sweet return? oh will i ever learn?

no more can i take it, no more can i fake it. moving forward at full throttle, leaving everything behind. the friendships formed need to be cut. i already tried. some i can't even remember still follow me. oh how i wish i was born an asshole, then life would've been easier.

its not too late

wheels

i lie awake, waiting for the sun
the wheels are turning but i got none
i lost year one
i lost the one

i looked around, there's nowhere to run
the wheels are turning but i got none
heart and mind spun
pulled the trigger of the gun

moving forward ain't no fun
the wheels are turning but i got none
tasks are done
i am done

axis

i thought last night's typographic release of emotions was enough to put me at ease. now here i am, quarter to two in the morning and feeling worse than ever. why am i still here?

the other night i got a couple of tickets for a movie. great. one for me and one for... crap, there's no one there. i tried to invite mercury but as fate would have it, she had other plans. i thought of others but in the middle of pushing numbered buttons i stopped. didn't want to send the wrong signals. in the end i had to give up and give the tickets to my sister and her bf instead.

soon the sun will rise. a few hours short of a good sleep later, i'll be back to my job. a job of pretending that everything is going good, pretending i am strong. throwing smiles and jokes all around, numbing the mind, sedating the heart. a few unproductive hours later i'll be on that ride home alone again, thinking, asking. why am i still here?

sum

i stopped the music. let the wind that blows and the water that flows be the sounds of the night. gravity has pulled me back to my old ways and now here i am, back to thinking and back to sinking.

the past week made me realize that though the surface was shimmering, the inside remained stale. i was smiling after i danced the night away. the experience was enough to convince myself that i'm no longer the same guy two years back. one crazy hangover later, i was all alone trying to piece together what happened the night before. i tried to look on the bright side of things but the end result and the truth was much too strong for me to fight off. i'm back to the drawing board, orchestrating the best possible way to overcome this hell i'm in. i'm on try number... too many i lost count.

tomorrow's a new day. tomorrow will most likely be the same. tomorrow probably is not yet the tomorrow i'm looking for but it's coming soon. never did i lose hope. maybe tomorrow i'll try again.

chasing mercury

yet another dream, yet another nightmare. open my eyes only to go through the charade of a good day.

once in a while i find a few to keep me company. some coping with somewhat the same predicament and some just waiting for some laughs. and from time to time she keeps me company. the girl in powder blue while i remember you. how i wish the nights wont end because the sun melts the conversations then she's back to mum.

i spill and she listens intently. i touch her but she doesn't feel a thing. i look at her but she looks right through me, her eyes set to the old flame behind me. and i've seen this before. the future ain't bright, and the ending, a tragedy.

lipstick smile

eyes shut the for 14 full hours, i still feel restless. with only the glare of the sun as my reason to get out of bed, i can't help but think that my life is maimed. still lightheaded from oversleeping and still frustrated by happiness that was but a dream.

how sad the clown with the lipstick smile. forced to cheer everybody up, leaving nothing for himself. the crowd greatly appreciates but only through petty claps, no one cares enough to see that his smiles are fake and the laughters are just part of the job. i still have a few jokes and antics up my sleeve but i'm afraid i'll soon ran out. my magic hat is losing its magic, the rabbit inside slowly dying. and as for my finale, i'm still undecided; disappearing in thin air while covered in white smoke or wiping the make-up off my face and showing the world my true face.

pollux and castor

the clouds are gray, a few minutes of calm before the downpour. i'll be soaked one way or another, more likely on the inside than the out. the queue of cars outside the window, the covered sunset, and the echoes inside my head could only reinforce the concrete covering my feet.

i'll be seeing the waves twice, hopefully in a bright light. a much needed escape, a much needed distraction. i know i've tried hard enough. the can of worms i opened up rattled me, pushing me back and forcing me to take a half-step backward.

i'll be making my body fluids a little bit thinner, a little bit lighter. i'll be calling on my favorite saint, making sleep almost automatic. at least for one night all the mid-sleep mindjobs would stop with only an upside down stomach as a downside. everyday is a battle, the war yet to conclude.

aurora

my cinco de mayo gesture did not pass by without judgment. my head went back and forth trying to make sense of the decisions i made. i consulted with some friends and tried to answer them with much logic on why i did it. there were no clear answers, it's clearly a gray area. i hope i didn't spoil the party.

i'm almost back to my old deadly form professionally.  i've been training some young minds for almost a week now. how ironic that i'm teaching them paradigm shifts, flushing out the negativity in their thoughts while i on the other hand can't think white. the frustration almost always gets the better of my patience. hopefully i wont get tired of trying to fight it. thoughts create things. if this is universally true then i might as well prepare for the worst.

the term "relapse" is an overstatement. i'm not back where i started. but where am i exactly? i just dreamt of revisiting my family. oh how i miss that family. everything was effortless, you just feel you belong. i'll see you guys soon. hopefully this time, i wont be wearing a mask. a happy mask i thought i'd never need again.

half

impossible is nothing. i've done all the necessary paperworks so to speak but it just can't leave me alone. i've gone to great lengths to bulletproof my weeks but to no avail. the light is the only thing that pulls me out of bed everyday.

i'm a victim of my own rules. i didn't mind how many the zeroes were between the point and the one, i just knew i had to keep it that way. history shows that things will get better, everything will fall into place. a heart that turned black on me once is now closer than ever. the friendship after the fallout was pure and true. nowhere near what i wanted years back but it's way better this way. never saw that coming. history shall repeat itself.

the question of half-empty or half-full lingers but who cares? a half is a half, neither full nor empty. i'm somewhere in the middle and standing still. this is what's best for now. the more i fight, the deeper i get in this quicksand, but giving up is accepting defeat, and defeat is never an option.

terminal velocity

moony's dove is my wake up call and it takes at least ten snoozes before i get out of bed. i don't want to leave for work but what choice do i have? if not for the financial aspect of this world, i would definitely return to my 12-hour sleep days. but i have to pay the bills and so i go.

open the glass door, greet everyone with a smile and a high-pitch "good morning!" sets the tone for the day; the smile hiding the misery and the greeting masking the angst. the cool job i had for the first couple of months turned out to be a drag, keeping acceleration at a minimum.

my back hurts and my head spins. my nine to five eventually fades and bye goes the bosses. one by one the employees start to go home. but i don't want to go home. i choose to watch tv shows on my laptop instead of going home. if only there's a sleeping bag and a decent shower i would stay 'til the next day. but there isn't and so i go.

walk the walk, open the steel gate, enter the house and stare at the leftovers. my dinner is set. stomach filled i head upstairs and go to bed. home is no fun either and repeating the vicious cycle is inevitable.

i'm still free falling, waiting to hit the ground, waiting for a lucky break.

nine to five

i'm wide awake and confined to my corner of solace. there was nothing left to lose. i blindfolded my eyes and covered my ears. i waited but nothing came. the scattered rainshowers and thunderstorms just made the cold shoulder a bit colder. spent a couple of days in the ditch then i got up and brushed it off. or at least made people feel that i brushed it off. truth be told, i wasn't true.

then all of a sudden everybody was sad. i had to shed my skin and hide my scars to comfort the world. i had to be strong. i had to be stronger. i was everyone's go-to-guy again. the phones were ringing left and right and for a while in my nine to five weekdays i forgot the sadness.

outside of my nine to five tells a different story. a story of frustration, despair, misery, distress, and ironically a glimmer of hope.

confession

a couple of months before the disconnection, i started to think. the casual grassy walk to the bus stop was nothing but a mindjob. why am i here? is this really worth it? a week after, the questions progressed. what if i am single right now? should i stop this now?

but i was too comfortable. i was happy. i ignored the 4-hour sleeps. i ignored my worn-out body. i ignored all the questions in my head.

my faith was tainted. i started thinking for myself and i began to doubt. if this is the real thing then why is it this hard? it did make other things easier but the connection itself was a drag.

wish granted ron, now what? i did anything and everything to bounce back. and i'm almost there, i just need to gain a few more pounds then i'm good. with nothing left to lose and a new inspiration, i dove in.

i rubbed my eyes and realized it was just an oasis. the pool did not exist and the girl was just a ghost.

what's next?

drift

the broken lines are coming fast, the spaces hardly seen. familiar sounds fill the air, laughter filling the void. regrets, dreams, every imaginable thought made a few hours on the open road felt like a lifetime.

the night was alive, a few coins making it more interesting. the bottles took me to bed but not before taking a big step. i took advantage of the hindered thought process and made the move. it took a couple of days but i got all the time in the world.

i fell short, i felt short. that's the way the ball rolled, that's the way my head rolled. it means nothing but it meant something.

thanks for the blind chase, it was fun while it lasted.

eleanor

out of nowhere you came. i was so focused on the task at hand that you caught me offguard. my feet unconciously brought me next to you. a mere stranger yet i was drawn. i didn't mind as my dark shirt failed to hide the sweat from that day's work, i just wanted to sit beside you.

days passed and i'm thinking i need another event to see you. misinterpreted as usual but i didn't care. everybody was thinking i wanted to see her again after the infamous encounter of major coincidental proportions. but it was you i wanted to see again. it was you that made that supposed to be awkward encounter easy. and for that i'm thankful. you're making a difference in my life without even trying to. in time i'll be able to make these words make sense to you but for now there will be no light. not just yet. our struggles with the past still haunts us from time to time making us vulnerable to false pretenses.

in order for me to have something i never had before, i have to do something i never did before. i hope it's not too late.

unchained

in a what-the-heck mood, i went for it. i consumed my adversary piece by piece just waiting for its retaliation but there was none. i felt a sudden increase in my body temperature but it dissipated quickly. i was in disbelief. just got lucky i guess.

a week later, the enemy was there again staring at me daring me to dig in. but she was not alone. i was a bit hesitant at first but i have to know now. i have to know if this thing inside me is gone. i have to know if i'm already cured.

so i went for the kill. using my bare hands i tore them apart, devouring every bit. my hands started to panic as they felt a bit prickly. but there was no turning back, i have to finish what i started. and i did. there were body parts everywhere.

and there it was. i am cured and what perfect timing. the no meat policy was in place this good friday. i am now free of the curse of my forbidden food. no more itching, no more swelling, no more patches. God is truly great and miracles still happen.

and as for you crabs and shrimps, it's been years so you better have eyes at the back of your heads because i'm coming to get ya!

who broke my mug?

mugs. the ever so popular gift item that everybody receives during the holidays. and instead of throwing them away or keeping them together with the i'll-think-of-what-i'll-do-with-you-later stuff, i use them whichever way i can. i have 3 mugs sitting in my room, 2 for pens and another for just about anything. i have another 4 mugs in the office, 2 for pens and the other 2 for coffee. one from home and the other from her. the latter became the instant favorite and the other forgotten.

then my mug went missing. i needed my daily kick of caffeine but my mug is nowhere to be found. who has it? who used it without my consent? i had no time to figure it out so i just used a not so special coffee cup. then after my first sip, someone gave me a clue on my mug's whereabouts. "i saw a mug near the trash and i think it's broken." i checked it out right away and there it was, lying broken on the floor like a dead robber killed by a vigilante. the only thing missing was the white chalk to trace the oultine of its remains.

so who broke my mug? was it the utility guy who washes the dishes? was it the guy who told me he saw it broken? no one would take responsibility. i can point fingers all day but that's just it, there is no point.

maybe it was me who broke that mug after all.

poker face

everything is a game. i started out with only a handful and next thing you know i’m at half a million. then the following week i’m flat broke. life can be cruel sometimes but you can’t hate the players, it’s the game of chance that is to blame.

the adventures and misadventures i have had the past year and a half didn’t start without taking risks. i took the risk, throwing caution to the wind. i knew that it was a dead-end journey but that didn’t stop me, didn’t stop us. it was worth it i think.

ante up. and i went all-in. i won big time. i won time and time again, losing a few scratches here and there but i was unstoppable, nowhere but up. i was on a high. then it all came crashing down. quit while you’re ahead i thought. but i was doing so good that i didn’t mind the losses. i’ll get them back. i went all-in with bulletproof hands but i kept on losing time and time again, winning a few scratches here and there, going nowhere fast. until finally i lost everything i had with only a rank status to remind everyone that i was once at the top of this game.

now i play this game with caution, with more folds than all-in’s. inch by inch i’m crawling my way up the ladder. getting more and more confident as i win the tables. sooner or later i’ll be the risk taker again, piling up the victories. one wrong push of a button then it’ll all be gone once again. but this time i know better. i just need to find me a seat.

the next page

unforeseen events led to the sudden conclusion of the infamous Misadventures of Roni G! i've made a makeshift blog somewhere with less than 10 readers but it didn't fill the void. it was about the wrong person but was made for all the right reasons. time to turn a new leaf. on to the next page.

irish spring

so i had a really rough day. i still haven't figured out what to do to distract myself from the ever lonely train ride to work. everyday is still a struggle. i thought i had it all figured out. i was happy, i was having a good time, i've met a lot of new people, everything was going great. even i was convinced that i was doing great. have i been lying to myself all along?

compliments came from all angles, no one had a clue i was still having this crappy feeling. i looked good and felt good so i thought i was good. there was even a time when i asked myself, if i had one wish right now, what would it be? of course she popped in my head easily but somehow i lost interest. then i thought i would rather not have a wish right now for i really don't know what i want anymore.

and now here i am again. same old sh*t. typing words coming out of nowhere.

i clearly understand that the odds of me giving up is the same as she coming back. yeah, i could imagine you reading this right now, pausing for a couple of seconds just to raise that hand gesture of an "L" in your forehead. go on, knock yourself out. say anything you want about me. i just wish this doesn't happen to you. of course there are people who have worse problems than me thinking we should trade places. but do they seriously think that knowing these things will make things better for me? or even for them for that matter. oh crap, i'm throwing punches under water again, i need to stop.

this is me having a major relapse. far worse than the relapses i had before. great. just great.

thank you for coming, come again.

number 20

i was up in the clouds for a few days. i honestly thought i was moving. i was feeling pretty good finding out some details making me way ahead of the game. or so i thought.

the best part about celebrating my birthday at the orphanage was the fact that i haven't thought of her a bit for one whole day. second best was finding out there's hope for me. even brighter than the star i saw her face and i felt butterflies in my stomach again. i need to know more about her.

this is blog number 20.

number 19

two times a dozen for two sizes up. one day away.

it was a rather interesting couple of weeks that passed. i went out on a couple of "friendly" dates, played a great game of basketball, went to my lola's place in tondo (the land of the brave), had a few drinks with a congressman, and oh yeah, i celebrated my birthday. whoop-ti-doo. ahh.. the sweet taste of sarcasm.

so what gives? why am i in a rather blogging mood? ding ding ding, we have a winner! no pun intended, there was no apostrophe before the word "ding."

i thought i was handling things quite well now. but why do i feel a cavity in my chest? everyone's happy that i've recovered. if you only knew. i was convinced myself that this was over and done. a little lie during dinner made me realize i was a fool. i was lying to myself.

i'm not back to where i started, i've made some steps forward, no question there. but i guess this is the "process," long, tiring, frustrating and fulfilling. the light at the end of the tunnel is still a mere dot, but it'll be bigger, slowly but surely.

oh and by the way, thanks to you who made my birthday special. thanks number 5!

this is blog number 19.

water under the bridge II

who would've thought i'd be having a part two of this blog. this time i must admit it's a bit early to make ends meet. 3 full months versus the more than 5 months the first time, i'm still waiting for the outcome. we decided to remain friends, but certain things such as stupid emotions got in the way. one might ask why so soon. i answered the same question myself and it was simple. i am ready.

i'm coming slow but speeding. i'm thankful for everything that has happened. i've learned a lot from this ride. now my smiles are authentic. no more poses for pictures that aren't being taken.

i've done my part. no more wishful thinking, only a level head and a brighter future ahead. the ball's on your end now. what happens next will be the guage of your maturity as well as mine.

from my post last August 10, 2005:
"...i told her that by now, the thing that happened between us should be water under the bridge. i also told her not to have the wrong idea, that i was not looking for a second chance, i just don’t want us to be bitter enemies when we can be friends..."

bittersweet

two times a dozen for two sizes up.
another wish granted, another promise broken.
the first was none, second was one.
sixteen days before fourteen, this third should've been gone.
seventy-five souls to feed, one heart to heed, the other to bleed.
under the mistletoe, over my head.
one step forward, two steps back.
His will against my want.
the space between, we'll fill in time.

lights out

i was sick the entire week, throat sore, nose stuffed and coughing like hell. but when my cousins asked me to play ball this afternoon, i didn't hesitate. not even lung cancer can stop me from playing this game. i felt a great game in me today. and indeed it was.

warming up i was shooting the lights out. it feels good to be back! the ever so sweet sound of the net as the ball never hits the rim, music to my ears. the game started and after a couple of buckets my head started to feel funny. i was breathing heavily and coughing like there's no tomorrow. the mind and heart is willing but the body is weak.

so i took a quick breather. drank lots of water and splashed some to cool myself down.

i'm slippin, i'm fallin, i gots to get up. with dmx barking, i stood up and let my heart pull my mind and body. a bit conservative at first but after a couple of shots, there it was. i was an arrogant, trash-talking ass once again and i'm loving it. i'm on fire.

can nobody take my pride, can nobody hold me down. i gotta keep on movin'.

number 18

another monkey off my back.

i watched sayaw manila last night for the heck of it. two years back i was saying "maybe i just wanted to see her dance" here. there was no maybe back then, i really wanted to see her, to catch a glimpse of what's in store for me. two years forward and nothing. my eyes went through the entire room not really expecting but more on seeking a chance to see if i was ready. but i felt nothing. my friend who was with me helped a bit. i was preoccupied by the performances for the better part of the show.

the night before i started thinking about her. forced myself not to press the wrong set of numbers on my phone. i have abstained for 19 days but who's counting? but i needed something from her. even a "go jump off a cliff" message would make me happy for that sends a clear message. we don't have to stay friends, let's pretend to be enemies. in time, everything will be water under the bridge. just like with every girl whom i loved and broke my heart. some remain just waiting to be loved again or maybe i'm just not good at reading what's on women's minds.

today i played ball. ignoring my sickened state, i played my heart out. i played great, just like old times, but in between games i go outside, ponder the loss of stars in the night sky. i was just caught off-guard and got sucker-punched by a queer trainee hairdresser. you know who you are b and you know what's coming.

this is blog number 18.

number 17

for 3 days straight i have been alcohol free, only been bothered once a night by my mid-sleep crisis. thank you God. i've been out for 2 nights hanging out with my friends and i'm feeling better. i'm starting to enjoy life again, not completely but i'm getting there. my new found freedom was intoxicating at first but after a while, i'm starting to appreciate its perks. no more reporting, no more fighting, no more strings.

but fate can't seem to get enough of my frustrations. after eating dinner and enjoying the walk to the cinemas, i saw familiar faces. i looked at them and they looked at me. darn it, it was her friends from college, was she there? i waved and smiled at them, after all they are my friends but i didn't saw her or them. we went on our different ways and i just smiled at the coincidence. i thought to myself, at least they saw me happy and she wasn't there.

i was wrong. she was there with him that night. oh crap. after a few more clicks i confirmed it. what are the odds? but hey, i'm moving on right? i believe so because i'm starting to feel indifferent.

this is blog number 17.

number 16

after a couple of restless days thinking between going and not going, i decided not to go. already told them i can't come. i was back and forth at a time thinking i can show everyone that i'm strong enough to accept and face what was already done, all i wanted was to save face. there's nothing left to save. and that said it all. there was no point going. even if i went there hands locked with a supermodel, i can't control what people would think. that's the boy she left. there was nothing left to save.

i took a quick break yesterday afternoon and had a chat with a friend. a couple of coffee cups, a few life lessons and a some random thoughts later, i felt something inside me, motivation. haven't felt that in a while. friends forced me to have a goal and we just came up with nothing. the closest i considered was having my own car. but i felt nothing. i knew i didn't need it, knew i wont be happy. but the half-meant joke got me. a birthday celebration in an orphanage. i was skeptical at first but later on, the thought just embraced me. i was excited for the first time in months.

it's not an easy task. i'm thinking of raising at least Php20,000 to make it worthwhile. friends are invited to join and donate anything or at least share the love with the kids.

this is important to me. this would be the kids cheering me up rather than us cheering them up. and aside from that, i consider this as an activity to exorcise my demons.

this is blog number 16.

number 15

had a couple of days off. used it efficiently to drain out my miseries only to come back to work and see it all crashing down once again.

i disconnected. i didn't. i hid. i didn't. i made myself invisible but somehow they found me.

"s feb 1 nga pla h. "PARE" bnyag ni CALI"

and my stress-free days are officially over. time to be sick to my stomach and have this mindjob again. throw me a freakin' bone here.

so should i go or not? not going will mean i can't take it, that i'm too weak to accept things as it is, but on the other hand, going will seem that i can take it, but knowing i am honestly not yet ready, i'd probably act like i'm not myself.

in a blink of an eye.

this is blog number 15.

number 14

so i got drunk last night. what's new? popped a couple of pills to ease my headache. what happened last night?

the sick cycle continues. the lines from a 90's hit lingers in my head. i don't want to call you but then i want to call you, 'cause i don't want to crush you but i feel like crushing you. here we go again with my sentimental crap. i guess i really am peterpan and i'll never grow up.

move on, move on, move on. how i wish it was that easy. the heart has always been my waterloo. give me problems on finance, career, even family and i'll handle them like a pro. i'll get tired of this soon and get things moving again. i hope.

this is blog number 14.

number 13

i played ball last night. or better yet, i played ball badly last night. my head is not in the game. yet. at least i get to have a few laps and tell myself i had an exercise.

i left my wallet last night, even thought i left my phones. but my lack of cash didn't stop the boys from taking in the prescribed everyday dose of alcohol and it was great. a warm-up to our beer bash tonight.

i just had a great sunday lunch at home. so after eating i went straight to my room and had myself a nap. and in my dream i saw them, and i confronted them and kicked the guy's ass. it felt great. if only i could find a way to make it a reality.

after a few minutes of collecting my thoughts, i wondered. where am i? i recall a few words last night telling me "grow a freakin' horn ron, time to be bad." let's wait and see.

this is blog number 13.

number 12

it's a new day and a renewed depression. great. why do i need to give it a click? why can't i control my curiosity? ignorance is bliss. what i saw was painful. in a blink of an eye she found an upgrade. in a blink of an eye i lost my world.

why can't this hope go away? it haunts me still, every single night. i got my regular dose of 4 sleep interruptions last night. when will this end? when will i decide to go to the point of no return? too many questions, not a single one answered. take away all the pain, it's killing me. how much for a shrink?

i'll never be the same again. thanks to a heartless piglet. i was alright on my own, until i met her. i was comfortable with my solitude, i always knew there's someone waiting for me around the bend. anyone there left?

somebody save me.

this is blog number 12.

number 11

days are moving, i'm not. when it's closing time i can put a smile in my face thinking hey, i got through the day and i'm still breathing. it's time to go home and i'm dying to rid the myself with the more than an hour ride home. probably the second worst part of the day, worst would be the ride to work.

always something there to remind me as the song goes. burning-up everything and anything with even a slight connection won't make things better. so why bother? i treasure the memories anyway. but in every corner of the street, every spot along the railtrack, every turn of the eye, there she is. what can i do?

i've been thinking of having a new job or even leaving the country. thoughts i never considered until my heart stopped beating. but desperate times call for desparate measures, i'm willing to try anything to make things easier, to be happy, or at least not sad. my alcohol levels are reaching new highs. i'm not far from a fatty liver but somehow it helps me sleep soundly.

yesterday i was given a bribe by the office. ten thousand pesos for a job well done in 2008. and i think i deserve that. my consuelo de bobo. after all this company's abusive ways was a huge part of this fall-out. so i spent a tenth of the bribe to have dinner with my officemates and probably grab a couple of bottles of beer. i had three. but it didn't help at all. i fell asleep quickly but again i woke up in the middle of the night thinking about her. please make this stop. i woke up again around 4am and again at 5. this too shall pass. yeah, right.

this is blog number 11.

number 10

bitter, better, bitter.

i felt i got better. i didn't go to work a couple of days ago to let it all out. i was doing better yesterday. not a hundred percent but better. and now comes the bitter part.

i was better. i was. i did some housework and got tired so i decided to go to sleep early. and then i woke up, wishing to see sunrise but i didn't. checked the time and it was midnight. i'm back to where i started. checked my phone for messages but was too sleepy and troubled to reply. i fell asleep again and woke up again after an hour or so. all in all i woke up 4 to 5 times. and i was convinced i'm moving in the right direction?

i got out of bed, tried to brush it off and prayed that at least i'd do what i needed to do at work. i should at least give myself that. but the pouring rain and the blankness of the ride to work created a perfect gloomy setting, a haven for sad thoughts or even happy thoughts that become sad when i think that it can no longer happen again.

so here i am again. typing away in this second blog, hiding what i really feel, writing down my words of bitterness and emptiness on a canvas that hopefully wouldn't grace her eyes. i should really get a life. this is killing me.

this is blog number 10.

number 9

i had a great sleep last night. i didn't wake up middle of the night haunted by her. i'd like to say a special thanks to the makers of san mig light, you made it happen.

so people might get mad at me for still having drinking sessions with my ex-future-brother-in-law, i don't care. friends want me to disconnect completely, but i can't. they are my friends after all. so did it help? i bit i guess. i was more calm and collected than he is. and i totally understand why. he is part of the family and wants to protect his own. he's old enough to know what's true and what's fake. we'll just have to wait and see if his intuitions are correct. i had the same intuition before but i convinced myself that she is no longer my responsibility and that worrying isn't worth it.

so before that i had the chance to meet-up with my college friends. yesterday was a weekday right? aren't i supposed to be at work? i called in sick, so judge me. i said to myself i needed the
day to let everything out and make tomorrow a better day. and it is. all i needed was to let it out. they said some stuff, i said another, i listened, i didn't listen. one thing is for sure, i took a step.

this is blog number 9.

1-5

everybody's selling me and i love it. brings out the man-whore side of me. but seriously, it just goes to prove that i'm still marketable. and it's not like i'm being sold to your everyday girls next door. they're selling me to gems.

though it's too soon and i might be the one to get hurt in the end, it's still worth the time. yes i'm broken but a broken me is still better than the typical, which says a lot about me. that's a good sign.

1-5 is when my life began. the point when you came into my life. with your bubbly character and accomodating smile, i always knew we were meant for something great. and it was. there i go again with my harsh truthful past tense. the "it is" and the "it will be" will just have to wait. so this should be the perfect day to have a restart right? i really don't have a clue. but i guess it's that time once again to play my time against my troubles.

number 8

went to cebu recently with my family. it was a 4-day vacation and what seemed like a trip to get away from it all suddenly turned into the most depressing 4 days of my life.

yeah sure, i did enjoy my family and i really appreciate it. but going around the city made me wonder. this couldv'e been better if she was here. or at least if i can share my frustrations with her. but she wasn't there to respond. i tried to reach out but to no avail. she insisted the no-contact treaty was the best weapon for this situation. but i had no one. i felt alone. i called almost every friend on my cellphone but all i can talk to them about is her. i think they're getting frustrated. who isn't?

there are things i shouldn't have found out. but the curiosity just wont let me be. ignorance is bliss as they say. but i needed to find out whats going on. and even if i don't do a thing, the information just finds me. it was unavoidable. so the guy spent christmas eve and new year's eve with them. something i couldn't do because i have my own family. but he did it. i bet she was very very happy. and that leaves me what?

so after a couple of more talks with some friends, they convinced me to follow the treaty. so i deleted all my networking accounts. well almost all of them. i retained the very first contact we had. where it all began. i just couldn't find the guts to delete it. but family and friends i decided to delete in chat. they can still see me online but they're no longer in my list. i guess it'll make it easier for me to resist talking to them asking them for updates. i'm still hoping obviously. still waiting for that wrong move. still waiting for my chance. my legitimate chance. not just show chance.

so where am i now? still lost. still convincing myself that raising the white flag is the best choice. moving on and giving up is all they say i should do. but i still can't do it. not yet. not just yet. tomorrow's the first day of work for 2009. who knows how would i act going back to that empty office table again.

this is blog number 8.