number 18

another monkey off my back.

i watched sayaw manila last night for the heck of it. two years back i was saying "maybe i just wanted to see her dance" here. there was no maybe back then, i really wanted to see her, to catch a glimpse of what's in store for me. two years forward and nothing. my eyes went through the entire room not really expecting but more on seeking a chance to see if i was ready. but i felt nothing. my friend who was with me helped a bit. i was preoccupied by the performances for the better part of the show.

the night before i started thinking about her. forced myself not to press the wrong set of numbers on my phone. i have abstained for 19 days but who's counting? but i needed something from her. even a "go jump off a cliff" message would make me happy for that sends a clear message. we don't have to stay friends, let's pretend to be enemies. in time, everything will be water under the bridge. just like with every girl whom i loved and broke my heart. some remain just waiting to be loved again or maybe i'm just not good at reading what's on women's minds.

today i played ball. ignoring my sickened state, i played my heart out. i played great, just like old times, but in between games i go outside, ponder the loss of stars in the night sky. i was just caught off-guard and got sucker-punched by a queer trainee hairdresser. you know who you are b and you know what's coming.

this is blog number 18.