irish spring

so i had a really rough day. i still haven't figured out what to do to distract myself from the ever lonely train ride to work. everyday is still a struggle. i thought i had it all figured out. i was happy, i was having a good time, i've met a lot of new people, everything was going great. even i was convinced that i was doing great. have i been lying to myself all along?

compliments came from all angles, no one had a clue i was still having this crappy feeling. i looked good and felt good so i thought i was good. there was even a time when i asked myself, if i had one wish right now, what would it be? of course she popped in my head easily but somehow i lost interest. then i thought i would rather not have a wish right now for i really don't know what i want anymore.

and now here i am again. same old sh*t. typing words coming out of nowhere.

i clearly understand that the odds of me giving up is the same as she coming back. yeah, i could imagine you reading this right now, pausing for a couple of seconds just to raise that hand gesture of an "L" in your forehead. go on, knock yourself out. say anything you want about me. i just wish this doesn't happen to you. of course there are people who have worse problems than me thinking we should trade places. but do they seriously think that knowing these things will make things better for me? or even for them for that matter. oh crap, i'm throwing punches under water again, i need to stop.

this is me having a major relapse. far worse than the relapses i had before. great. just great.

thank you for coming, come again.

water under the bridge II

who would've thought i'd be having a part two of this blog. this time i must admit it's a bit early to make ends meet. 3 full months versus the more than 5 months the first time, i'm still waiting for the outcome. we decided to remain friends, but certain things such as stupid emotions got in the way. one might ask why so soon. i answered the same question myself and it was simple. i am ready.

i'm coming slow but speeding. i'm thankful for everything that has happened. i've learned a lot from this ride. now my smiles are authentic. no more poses for pictures that aren't being taken.

i've done my part. no more wishful thinking, only a level head and a brighter future ahead. the ball's on your end now. what happens next will be the guage of your maturity as well as mine.

from my post last August 10, 2005:
"...i told her that by now, the thing that happened between us should be water under the bridge. i also told her not to have the wrong idea, that i was not looking for a second chance, i just don’t want us to be bitter enemies when we can be friends..."

bittersweet

two times a dozen for two sizes up.
another wish granted, another promise broken.
the first was none, second was one.
sixteen days before fourteen, this third should've been gone.
seventy-five souls to feed, one heart to heed, the other to bleed.
under the mistletoe, over my head.
one step forward, two steps back.
His will against my want.
the space between, we'll fill in time.

lights out

i was sick the entire week, throat sore, nose stuffed and coughing like hell. but when my cousins asked me to play ball this afternoon, i didn't hesitate. not even lung cancer can stop me from playing this game. i felt a great game in me today. and indeed it was.

warming up i was shooting the lights out. it feels good to be back! the ever so sweet sound of the net as the ball never hits the rim, music to my ears. the game started and after a couple of buckets my head started to feel funny. i was breathing heavily and coughing like there's no tomorrow. the mind and heart is willing but the body is weak.

so i took a quick breather. drank lots of water and splashed some to cool myself down.

i'm slippin, i'm fallin, i gots to get up. with dmx barking, i stood up and let my heart pull my mind and body. a bit conservative at first but after a couple of shots, there it was. i was an arrogant, trash-talking ass once again and i'm loving it. i'm on fire.

can nobody take my pride, can nobody hold me down. i gotta keep on movin'.

last

to my one and only star,

i can see that you are really happy with your life. congratulations on that, you got your prize. you're not a girl gone bad after all, you're just a girl gone brave. brave enough to let go of everything to get what you want. and i'm happy for you. just proves that my decision of letting you go already served it's purpose. to make you happy. and i guess at the end of the day it's enough. it's the least i could do.

for the nth time i'd like to wish you the best. yes i still want another chance but at the same time i don't want you to get hurt in the process. so i let God, and so it is.

thank you so much for my perfect year of the pig. it was the best year of my life. far better than my previous best year which was third year highschool. you made me realize that i am better than who i think i am. that i can do things i thought i never could. you were my strength, my destiny, my everything.

pointing fingers won't be necessary. i've always believed that everything happened the way it should. this will serve a higher purpose. so forgiveness wont even be necessary, we just did what we had to do.

so where do we go from here? i really don't know. it's a new year so i decided to make this my last post about you. so you wouldn't have to worry about reading my pain and feeling hurt yourself or maybe even pissed that i'm still thinking about you.

i'm still here for you though i've let you go. if you need me, you know where to find me, im just a couple of keypad presses away. you'll always have a special place in my heart. a place where you wont grow old. where i can tell you everything's gonna be alright.

thank you ms. observant glances, ms. quiet, ms. judging oblivious abandon, my february star. 'til we meet again.

love,

ronn

1-5

everybody's selling me and i love it. brings out the man-whore side of me. but seriously, it just goes to prove that i'm still marketable. and it's not like i'm being sold to your everyday girls next door. they're selling me to gems.

though it's too soon and i might be the one to get hurt in the end, it's still worth the time. yes i'm broken but a broken me is still better than the typical, which says a lot about me. that's a good sign.

1-5 is when my life began. the point when you came into my life. with your bubbly character and accomodating smile, i always knew we were meant for something great. and it was. there i go again with my harsh truthful past tense. the "it is" and the "it will be" will just have to wait. so this should be the perfect day to have a restart right? i really don't have a clue. but i guess it's that time once again to play my time against my troubles.

ex-treme

i believe even the guilt no longer bothers you. in your words i was even portrayed as the villain. it's you and him against the world, what a motivation. the kind of struggle you enjoy. bad or brave? try blinded.

i was constantly asking myself, is he really better? i kept on looking back, i really thought i was doing a good job. my friends are even getting mad at me asking me to spend a little more time with them but i chose you. to prove to you that you are my world. but i guess he does it better in your eyes.

you've turned back the hands on time on yourself, being the 19-year old girl looking for affection. and you were so damn proud of making him feel 4 years younger when he was a do-it-all boyfriend. it was pure excitement on your end, i felt it. no matter how much love you had for me, it was beaten and tortured to death. i felt some sincerity in you fighting it off. but the subconscious was a much stronger foe than expected, changing the way your heart beats, pumping out love for me and pumping in love for him.

living in the now we are sitting on different poles, you on the north me on the south. it's cold in here. i hear the north is quite cold too but i don't see you freezing. your warm embraces are enough to melt the ice caps on your side. ignorance is bliss. why do i need to see it? why do you need to spread the word? isn't my heartbreak enough? why'd you have to add insult to injury?

who are you?

thorn

i can see your smile, i can even feel the love. for him that is. what a lucky guy. everything i ever wanted is what he's getting right now. i guess some guys have all the luck in the world.

i can't get in the way of love. i already canceled all my accounts. well almost all of them. since you already deleted me in your life, i don't see the point of having those accounts except for one. this is really what you want. you have always been someone who gets what she wants. and you did get it. so much in love are you two that even the wrong seems right. and everything that is right to me becomes wrong.

i'll leave you two alone. there is no other way. once again i've been pushed to the side, waiting for another shooting star to wish upon. the heavens are getting mad at me telling me to wish for some other girl. but how can i? you are God's gift to me. i've waited for so long for you, how much longer can it be for you to come back? i think now is the best time for that "forever" word. waiting forever. yeah, that seems about right.

i can't get in the away of love. be happy my little angel. it's the only thing that's keeping me alive. i see you happy. can you spill some of that over here? i could use some right about now. will i ever see you again? God, please say yes.

home is where the heart is

i am punching literally every wall i see. frustration is an understatement. if i'm going to move on it must be from me not from you or from anybody else. i need to help myself. but how can i move on when i'm still deeply in love with you. as much as you are blinded with him, i am blinded with what we had. something that i might never experience again.

i'm afraid of falling inlove again. my mistletoe ain't that hard to like, not that hard to fall for even. but it's too soon. it's too soon. it would be unfair. just as it is unfair to me for you to move on so quickly. am i that easy to forget? this really sucks.

so where do i go from here? even you say we always have choice. but is my choice of waiting for you worth it? when all this time all you wanted was for me to give up and let you go. but there's a difference between giving up and letting go. i let go but will never ever give up. told you i ain't no quitter. i will let go of you now. you see him as your forever now, who knows what would you think of him tomorrow? i know i shouldn't keep my hopes up but you guys are just too good to be true. and as they say, if it's too good to be true then it's not true.

that initial feeling fades. love fades. as we grow old, all we want is someone we can talk to, a friend whom we can say our darkest secrets with, whom we can say everything and be cool about it. that's what you are to me my little princess. you are my bestfriend. that's why i can't let go of you. i can't share my secrets to a stranger. you were home to me. you are my home. my sanctuary. my heart.

but as this fairytale unfolds, it seems that your boy is your knight in shining armor. but for how long? for how much? i still can't convince myself that there's a possibility that you won't come home to me. we are destined to be stars and i still believe that this is just a phase. just a phase. keep telling yourself that ron. this is just a phase. i love you so much it hurts. take away all the pain and tell me this is just a phase. that you'd hold me tight and tell me everything's gonna be okay.

i already cut all of you off of me. but will it help? even if you tell me the nastiest things, would it change how i look at you? how i feel about you? please let my heart bleed to death. to give up on love is such a bliss. that i wouldn't care anymore if i die alone. but i still feel empty waiting for you to fill it. or at least someone who can blind me to believe that you weren't worth the pedestal i gave you.

in time this will all make perfect sense. i still believe in you and me. no one can take that away from me. i'm still peterpan and i'll forever visit you until you grow old. all i wanted was for you to be happy. and you are. a bit of consolation on my part. but you can be happier with me. i'll take you to neverland where we can't grow old. we can be kids forever and have that silly dance-off forever and ever. your happily ever after is still in me my sweet little piglet. we can still have a lifetime of love and joy.

please find your way back home...

had

it’s 2009 and i’m still. will this be a great year or will this be a continuation of everything i hate about 2008? i’m messed up, no other way to put it. even if i look back at my previous failed attempts at love, this takes the cake as far as depression is concerned. my 3-year anonymous one-way love affair can’t compare to this. it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

and now here we are, a new year and new lives. you with your new found love and me with my oh so familiar solitude. there you go leaving no trace of me in your life. so much for your thank you’s and your appreciation of what we had.

“had.” the past.

after a couple of months im still here. still waiting for the world to change. still waiting for you to come around. still waiting for something that i know deep inside of me might never happen at all.

is it downhill from here?