bittersweet

two times a dozen for two sizes up.
another wish granted, another promise broken.
the first was none, second was one.
sixteen days before fourteen, this third should've been gone.
seventy-five souls to feed, one heart to heed, the other to bleed.
under the mistletoe, over my head.
one step forward, two steps back.
His will against my want.
the space between, we'll fill in time.

lights out

i was sick the entire week, throat sore, nose stuffed and coughing like hell. but when my cousins asked me to play ball this afternoon, i didn't hesitate. not even lung cancer can stop me from playing this game. i felt a great game in me today. and indeed it was.

warming up i was shooting the lights out. it feels good to be back! the ever so sweet sound of the net as the ball never hits the rim, music to my ears. the game started and after a couple of buckets my head started to feel funny. i was breathing heavily and coughing like there's no tomorrow. the mind and heart is willing but the body is weak.

so i took a quick breather. drank lots of water and splashed some to cool myself down.

i'm slippin, i'm fallin, i gots to get up. with dmx barking, i stood up and let my heart pull my mind and body. a bit conservative at first but after a couple of shots, there it was. i was an arrogant, trash-talking ass once again and i'm loving it. i'm on fire.

can nobody take my pride, can nobody hold me down. i gotta keep on movin'.

number 18

another monkey off my back.

i watched sayaw manila last night for the heck of it. two years back i was saying "maybe i just wanted to see her dance" here. there was no maybe back then, i really wanted to see her, to catch a glimpse of what's in store for me. two years forward and nothing. my eyes went through the entire room not really expecting but more on seeking a chance to see if i was ready. but i felt nothing. my friend who was with me helped a bit. i was preoccupied by the performances for the better part of the show.

the night before i started thinking about her. forced myself not to press the wrong set of numbers on my phone. i have abstained for 19 days but who's counting? but i needed something from her. even a "go jump off a cliff" message would make me happy for that sends a clear message. we don't have to stay friends, let's pretend to be enemies. in time, everything will be water under the bridge. just like with every girl whom i loved and broke my heart. some remain just waiting to be loved again or maybe i'm just not good at reading what's on women's minds.

today i played ball. ignoring my sickened state, i played my heart out. i played great, just like old times, but in between games i go outside, ponder the loss of stars in the night sky. i was just caught off-guard and got sucker-punched by a queer trainee hairdresser. you know who you are b and you know what's coming.

this is blog number 18.

number 17

for 3 days straight i have been alcohol free, only been bothered once a night by my mid-sleep crisis. thank you God. i've been out for 2 nights hanging out with my friends and i'm feeling better. i'm starting to enjoy life again, not completely but i'm getting there. my new found freedom was intoxicating at first but after a while, i'm starting to appreciate its perks. no more reporting, no more fighting, no more strings.

but fate can't seem to get enough of my frustrations. after eating dinner and enjoying the walk to the cinemas, i saw familiar faces. i looked at them and they looked at me. darn it, it was her friends from college, was she there? i waved and smiled at them, after all they are my friends but i didn't saw her or them. we went on our different ways and i just smiled at the coincidence. i thought to myself, at least they saw me happy and she wasn't there.

i was wrong. she was there with him that night. oh crap. after a few more clicks i confirmed it. what are the odds? but hey, i'm moving on right? i believe so because i'm starting to feel indifferent.

this is blog number 17.

number 16

after a couple of restless days thinking between going and not going, i decided not to go. already told them i can't come. i was back and forth at a time thinking i can show everyone that i'm strong enough to accept and face what was already done, all i wanted was to save face. there's nothing left to save. and that said it all. there was no point going. even if i went there hands locked with a supermodel, i can't control what people would think. that's the boy she left. there was nothing left to save.

i took a quick break yesterday afternoon and had a chat with a friend. a couple of coffee cups, a few life lessons and a some random thoughts later, i felt something inside me, motivation. haven't felt that in a while. friends forced me to have a goal and we just came up with nothing. the closest i considered was having my own car. but i felt nothing. i knew i didn't need it, knew i wont be happy. but the half-meant joke got me. a birthday celebration in an orphanage. i was skeptical at first but later on, the thought just embraced me. i was excited for the first time in months.

it's not an easy task. i'm thinking of raising at least Php20,000 to make it worthwhile. friends are invited to join and donate anything or at least share the love with the kids.

this is important to me. this would be the kids cheering me up rather than us cheering them up. and aside from that, i consider this as an activity to exorcise my demons.

this is blog number 16.

number 15

had a couple of days off. used it efficiently to drain out my miseries only to come back to work and see it all crashing down once again.

i disconnected. i didn't. i hid. i didn't. i made myself invisible but somehow they found me.

"s feb 1 nga pla h. "PARE" bnyag ni CALI"

and my stress-free days are officially over. time to be sick to my stomach and have this mindjob again. throw me a freakin' bone here.

so should i go or not? not going will mean i can't take it, that i'm too weak to accept things as it is, but on the other hand, going will seem that i can take it, but knowing i am honestly not yet ready, i'd probably act like i'm not myself.

in a blink of an eye.

this is blog number 15.

number 14

so i got drunk last night. what's new? popped a couple of pills to ease my headache. what happened last night?

the sick cycle continues. the lines from a 90's hit lingers in my head. i don't want to call you but then i want to call you, 'cause i don't want to crush you but i feel like crushing you. here we go again with my sentimental crap. i guess i really am peterpan and i'll never grow up.

move on, move on, move on. how i wish it was that easy. the heart has always been my waterloo. give me problems on finance, career, even family and i'll handle them like a pro. i'll get tired of this soon and get things moving again. i hope.

this is blog number 14.

number 13

i played ball last night. or better yet, i played ball badly last night. my head is not in the game. yet. at least i get to have a few laps and tell myself i had an exercise.

i left my wallet last night, even thought i left my phones. but my lack of cash didn't stop the boys from taking in the prescribed everyday dose of alcohol and it was great. a warm-up to our beer bash tonight.

i just had a great sunday lunch at home. so after eating i went straight to my room and had myself a nap. and in my dream i saw them, and i confronted them and kicked the guy's ass. it felt great. if only i could find a way to make it a reality.

after a few minutes of collecting my thoughts, i wondered. where am i? i recall a few words last night telling me "grow a freakin' horn ron, time to be bad." let's wait and see.

this is blog number 13.

number 12

it's a new day and a renewed depression. great. why do i need to give it a click? why can't i control my curiosity? ignorance is bliss. what i saw was painful. in a blink of an eye she found an upgrade. in a blink of an eye i lost my world.

why can't this hope go away? it haunts me still, every single night. i got my regular dose of 4 sleep interruptions last night. when will this end? when will i decide to go to the point of no return? too many questions, not a single one answered. take away all the pain, it's killing me. how much for a shrink?

i'll never be the same again. thanks to a heartless piglet. i was alright on my own, until i met her. i was comfortable with my solitude, i always knew there's someone waiting for me around the bend. anyone there left?

somebody save me.

this is blog number 12.

number 11

days are moving, i'm not. when it's closing time i can put a smile in my face thinking hey, i got through the day and i'm still breathing. it's time to go home and i'm dying to rid the myself with the more than an hour ride home. probably the second worst part of the day, worst would be the ride to work.

always something there to remind me as the song goes. burning-up everything and anything with even a slight connection won't make things better. so why bother? i treasure the memories anyway. but in every corner of the street, every spot along the railtrack, every turn of the eye, there she is. what can i do?

i've been thinking of having a new job or even leaving the country. thoughts i never considered until my heart stopped beating. but desperate times call for desparate measures, i'm willing to try anything to make things easier, to be happy, or at least not sad. my alcohol levels are reaching new highs. i'm not far from a fatty liver but somehow it helps me sleep soundly.

yesterday i was given a bribe by the office. ten thousand pesos for a job well done in 2008. and i think i deserve that. my consuelo de bobo. after all this company's abusive ways was a huge part of this fall-out. so i spent a tenth of the bribe to have dinner with my officemates and probably grab a couple of bottles of beer. i had three. but it didn't help at all. i fell asleep quickly but again i woke up in the middle of the night thinking about her. please make this stop. i woke up again around 4am and again at 5. this too shall pass. yeah, right.

this is blog number 11.

number 10

bitter, better, bitter.

i felt i got better. i didn't go to work a couple of days ago to let it all out. i was doing better yesterday. not a hundred percent but better. and now comes the bitter part.

i was better. i was. i did some housework and got tired so i decided to go to sleep early. and then i woke up, wishing to see sunrise but i didn't. checked the time and it was midnight. i'm back to where i started. checked my phone for messages but was too sleepy and troubled to reply. i fell asleep again and woke up again after an hour or so. all in all i woke up 4 to 5 times. and i was convinced i'm moving in the right direction?

i got out of bed, tried to brush it off and prayed that at least i'd do what i needed to do at work. i should at least give myself that. but the pouring rain and the blankness of the ride to work created a perfect gloomy setting, a haven for sad thoughts or even happy thoughts that become sad when i think that it can no longer happen again.

so here i am again. typing away in this second blog, hiding what i really feel, writing down my words of bitterness and emptiness on a canvas that hopefully wouldn't grace her eyes. i should really get a life. this is killing me.

this is blog number 10.

number 9

i had a great sleep last night. i didn't wake up middle of the night haunted by her. i'd like to say a special thanks to the makers of san mig light, you made it happen.

so people might get mad at me for still having drinking sessions with my ex-future-brother-in-law, i don't care. friends want me to disconnect completely, but i can't. they are my friends after all. so did it help? i bit i guess. i was more calm and collected than he is. and i totally understand why. he is part of the family and wants to protect his own. he's old enough to know what's true and what's fake. we'll just have to wait and see if his intuitions are correct. i had the same intuition before but i convinced myself that she is no longer my responsibility and that worrying isn't worth it.

so before that i had the chance to meet-up with my college friends. yesterday was a weekday right? aren't i supposed to be at work? i called in sick, so judge me. i said to myself i needed the
day to let everything out and make tomorrow a better day. and it is. all i needed was to let it out. they said some stuff, i said another, i listened, i didn't listen. one thing is for sure, i took a step.

this is blog number 9.

1-5

everybody's selling me and i love it. brings out the man-whore side of me. but seriously, it just goes to prove that i'm still marketable. and it's not like i'm being sold to your everyday girls next door. they're selling me to gems.

though it's too soon and i might be the one to get hurt in the end, it's still worth the time. yes i'm broken but a broken me is still better than the typical, which says a lot about me. that's a good sign.

1-5 is when my life began. the point when you came into my life. with your bubbly character and accomodating smile, i always knew we were meant for something great. and it was. there i go again with my harsh truthful past tense. the "it is" and the "it will be" will just have to wait. so this should be the perfect day to have a restart right? i really don't have a clue. but i guess it's that time once again to play my time against my troubles.

number 8

went to cebu recently with my family. it was a 4-day vacation and what seemed like a trip to get away from it all suddenly turned into the most depressing 4 days of my life.

yeah sure, i did enjoy my family and i really appreciate it. but going around the city made me wonder. this couldv'e been better if she was here. or at least if i can share my frustrations with her. but she wasn't there to respond. i tried to reach out but to no avail. she insisted the no-contact treaty was the best weapon for this situation. but i had no one. i felt alone. i called almost every friend on my cellphone but all i can talk to them about is her. i think they're getting frustrated. who isn't?

there are things i shouldn't have found out. but the curiosity just wont let me be. ignorance is bliss as they say. but i needed to find out whats going on. and even if i don't do a thing, the information just finds me. it was unavoidable. so the guy spent christmas eve and new year's eve with them. something i couldn't do because i have my own family. but he did it. i bet she was very very happy. and that leaves me what?

so after a couple of more talks with some friends, they convinced me to follow the treaty. so i deleted all my networking accounts. well almost all of them. i retained the very first contact we had. where it all began. i just couldn't find the guts to delete it. but family and friends i decided to delete in chat. they can still see me online but they're no longer in my list. i guess it'll make it easier for me to resist talking to them asking them for updates. i'm still hoping obviously. still waiting for that wrong move. still waiting for my chance. my legitimate chance. not just show chance.

so where am i now? still lost. still convincing myself that raising the white flag is the best choice. moving on and giving up is all they say i should do. but i still can't do it. not yet. not just yet. tomorrow's the first day of work for 2009. who knows how would i act going back to that empty office table again.

this is blog number 8.