in a blink of an eye.
"no matter how improbable things may be, i’ll always be thankful for that light. eleanor helped me realize things without even trying to. more than she’ll ever know, she gave me reasons to move forward. i just pray that this goes somewhere."
my saving grace.
31 December 2009
13 December 2009
rigby
it's over and done.who would've thought that the frail boy a year ago would somehow find a way to bounce back.
as i was cruising on the widened streets, i couldn't help but notice the changes the year made. the green, yellow and red lights were certainly new, but so was the man behind the wheel. i've been thinking of tagging along an ally to fill-in the awkward situations i've visualized. but there was no need. i owe this to myself. seemingly displaying testicular fortitude, i came alone.
and there it was. the house i once called home. the faces i once called family. this time, my smiles weren't fake. except for one. maybe they were surprised by my presence that this guy made that tasteless remark. the fake smile was for that remark. other than that unfortunate instance, the rest of the afternoon was okay. it wasn't good but it wasn't bad either. it was just what i expected, small talks for catching up, awkward moments as the hosts entertain the others, and my long sought indifference towards the couple. what was unexpected was that i did it.
with a christmas dinner with college friends to go to, i had to leave that party. after waiting for an electrical commotion to settle down and after collecting the loot bag, i was off and that was it. my friends were somewhat eager to hear the story and were surprised themselves that i actually went through with it, and went through with it alone. it's not really that i had steel cojones, it's just that i don't really care about what will be said nor what will be. i am too far blinded by my shining light to be stuck in despair.
no matter how improbable things may be, i'll always be thankful for that light. eleanor helped me realize things without even trying to. more than she'll ever know, she gave me reasons to move forward. i just pray that this goes somewhere.
as i was cruising on the widened streets, i couldn't help but notice the changes the year made. the green, yellow and red lights were certainly new, but so was the man behind the wheel. i've been thinking of tagging along an ally to fill-in the awkward situations i've visualized. but there was no need. i owe this to myself. seemingly displaying testicular fortitude, i came alone.
and there it was. the house i once called home. the faces i once called family. this time, my smiles weren't fake. except for one. maybe they were surprised by my presence that this guy made that tasteless remark. the fake smile was for that remark. other than that unfortunate instance, the rest of the afternoon was okay. it wasn't good but it wasn't bad either. it was just what i expected, small talks for catching up, awkward moments as the hosts entertain the others, and my long sought indifference towards the couple. what was unexpected was that i did it.
with a christmas dinner with college friends to go to, i had to leave that party. after waiting for an electrical commotion to settle down and after collecting the loot bag, i was off and that was it. my friends were somewhat eager to hear the story and were surprised themselves that i actually went through with it, and went through with it alone. it's not really that i had steel cojones, it's just that i don't really care about what will be said nor what will be. i am too far blinded by my shining light to be stuck in despair.
no matter how improbable things may be, i'll always be thankful for that light. eleanor helped me realize things without even trying to. more than she'll ever know, she gave me reasons to move forward. i just pray that this goes somewhere.
02 December 2009
southbound (railway trackback)
another railway trackback post took too long to materialize. duncan's haunting voice on his self-titled set the tone. on my way home, on my way up north, the flashes inside my head were southbound.
monumento, the first. am i late? i veered left and she's already there, patiently waiting. i walk past the queue and everyone that ascends become her. what's taking her so long?
5th. never mind the red in the timecard, a promise is a promise.
r. papa has always been for kaye. the station became an airport of sorts, a simple transaction becoming the last conversation, an unspoken goodbye for almost a decade.
abad santos. skip. blumentritt. skip. tayuman. skip. bambang. who rides at bambang? seriously? doroteo jose. skip. carriedo. stop. the infamous eastern garden lumpia, my secret weapon.
central terminal. a few minutes walk to the city, butterfly shirts, and sunshine.
united nations, she slipped, i held her hand.
pedro gil. from chasing tuesday to losing may. where everything began. i didn't mind the mindless chase, i stood up at the right time but i folded at the wrong time.
quirino, my first taste of money. vito cruz, eyebrows crossed impatiently waiting.
gil puyat, my new domain. i look across and i see her tired eyes and sleepy arms wrapped around me. we'll be home soon.
libertad, fire.
edsa, my end. i raced towards a silhouette. small talks led to big issues. and that was the last.
riding the train will never be the same again i said once. it did. i fell into the trap again of looking out and looking in, the lonely train ride as my timeline of have beens and what could have beens.
in a place where no stations will be memorable because the whole ride will be, that's where i wanna be.
monumento, the first. am i late? i veered left and she's already there, patiently waiting. i walk past the queue and everyone that ascends become her. what's taking her so long?
5th. never mind the red in the timecard, a promise is a promise.
r. papa has always been for kaye. the station became an airport of sorts, a simple transaction becoming the last conversation, an unspoken goodbye for almost a decade.
abad santos. skip. blumentritt. skip. tayuman. skip. bambang. who rides at bambang? seriously? doroteo jose. skip. carriedo. stop. the infamous eastern garden lumpia, my secret weapon.
central terminal. a few minutes walk to the city, butterfly shirts, and sunshine.
united nations, she slipped, i held her hand.
pedro gil. from chasing tuesday to losing may. where everything began. i didn't mind the mindless chase, i stood up at the right time but i folded at the wrong time.
quirino, my first taste of money. vito cruz, eyebrows crossed impatiently waiting.
gil puyat, my new domain. i look across and i see her tired eyes and sleepy arms wrapped around me. we'll be home soon.
libertad, fire.
edsa, my end. i raced towards a silhouette. small talks led to big issues. and that was the last.
riding the train will never be the same again i said once. it did. i fell into the trap again of looking out and looking in, the lonely train ride as my timeline of have beens and what could have beens.
in a place where no stations will be memorable because the whole ride will be, that's where i wanna be.
19 November 2009
glass
with no one interested to listen, this page will soak my spill. everybody seems to be in the middle of their own personal battles, winning and losing, the outcome of the war still uncertain.
i tested the water and it's cold. might as well be the funny guy and just let it all be. i can't say i didn't try. i did. but it was darn too soon, and the way i handled it was too darn stupid. looking back, i can't believe i said those stupid words however true they were. half a year later and it's a different ballgame. different maybe to the home team but nothing new to the visitors. just another game to play. check that. just another game not to play. that sounds just about right. i really wanted to comfort her, but the mere gesture will probably make her uncomfortable. holding back the prince charming effect was no match to her frailty damsel in distress ways.
i look left and i look right, distracting myself at the prize never meant to be mine. the left i believe is relatively easier but the repercussions heavier. i'm no thief. the right is still undefined. the link triggered but the connection still pending.
21 September 2009
own
the rain slams hard on rooftops as the sound resonates from the world i created bounded by my ears. halfway through a bottle of wine, i'm lost at finding the right words to echo my sentiments but at the same time hide it.
hands tied, i suddenly became the fool on the hill watching the world change before his eyes. screaming didn't help as the sound from my lungs was empty. struggling to get out only made my wrists sore as evidenced by the scars. might as well stay still and wait for salvation and vindication.
the streets won't be dry for a while.
hands tied, i suddenly became the fool on the hill watching the world change before his eyes. screaming didn't help as the sound from my lungs was empty. struggling to get out only made my wrists sore as evidenced by the scars. might as well stay still and wait for salvation and vindication.
the streets won't be dry for a while.
20 September 2009
down
too young to hold on, too old to just break free and run
going down the winding street, ears covered with jeff buckley's haunting voice, i didn't mind the people, i looked up, wondering while wandering. i glanced at my watch and the small hand was already at four.
pushing sticks, dropping balls. bucket after bucket i drowned the forgotten. almost a year has passed yet the words still point north.
lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
there is nothing left to lose, i have lost everything. the thrill i get is short-lived, lasting only a few rounds, then goes back bland. the laughter is heard from across the room. it came from the inside, it came from me. volume down and it's me i hear, thinking what else do i need to do.
so (if) i'll wait for you... i'll burn, will I ever see your sweet return? oh will i ever learn?
no more can i take it, no more can i fake it. moving forward at full throttle, leaving everything behind. the friendships formed need to be cut. i already tried. some i can't even remember still follow me. oh how i wish i was born an asshole, then life would've been easier.
its not too late
going down the winding street, ears covered with jeff buckley's haunting voice, i didn't mind the people, i looked up, wondering while wandering. i glanced at my watch and the small hand was already at four.
pushing sticks, dropping balls. bucket after bucket i drowned the forgotten. almost a year has passed yet the words still point north.
lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
there is nothing left to lose, i have lost everything. the thrill i get is short-lived, lasting only a few rounds, then goes back bland. the laughter is heard from across the room. it came from the inside, it came from me. volume down and it's me i hear, thinking what else do i need to do.
so (if) i'll wait for you... i'll burn, will I ever see your sweet return? oh will i ever learn?
no more can i take it, no more can i fake it. moving forward at full throttle, leaving everything behind. the friendships formed need to be cut. i already tried. some i can't even remember still follow me. oh how i wish i was born an asshole, then life would've been easier.
its not too late
06 September 2009
wheels
i lie awake, waiting for the sun
the wheels are turning but i got none
i lost year one
i lost the one
i looked around, there's nowhere to run
the wheels are turning but i got none
heart and mind spun
pulled the trigger of the gun
moving forward ain't no fun
the wheels are turning but i got none
tasks are done
i am done
the wheels are turning but i got none
i lost year one
i lost the one
i looked around, there's nowhere to run
the wheels are turning but i got none
heart and mind spun
pulled the trigger of the gun
moving forward ain't no fun
the wheels are turning but i got none
tasks are done
i am done
24 August 2009
axis
i thought last night's typographic release of emotions was enough to put me at ease. now here i am, quarter to two in the morning and feeling worse than ever. why am i still here?
the other night i got a couple of tickets for a movie. great. one for me and one for... crap, there's no one there. i tried to invite mercury but as fate would have it, she had other plans. i thought of others but in the middle of pushing numbered buttons i stopped. didn't want to send the wrong signals. in the end i had to give up and give the tickets to my sister and her bf instead.
soon the sun will rise. a few hours short of a good sleep later, i'll be back to my job. a job of pretending that everything is going good, pretending i am strong. throwing smiles and jokes all around, numbing the mind, sedating the heart. a few unproductive hours later i'll be on that ride home alone again, thinking, asking. why am i still here?
the other night i got a couple of tickets for a movie. great. one for me and one for... crap, there's no one there. i tried to invite mercury but as fate would have it, she had other plans. i thought of others but in the middle of pushing numbered buttons i stopped. didn't want to send the wrong signals. in the end i had to give up and give the tickets to my sister and her bf instead.
soon the sun will rise. a few hours short of a good sleep later, i'll be back to my job. a job of pretending that everything is going good, pretending i am strong. throwing smiles and jokes all around, numbing the mind, sedating the heart. a few unproductive hours later i'll be on that ride home alone again, thinking, asking. why am i still here?
23 August 2009
sum
i stopped the music. let the wind that blows and the water that flows be the sounds of the night. gravity has pulled me back to my old ways and now here i am, back to thinking and back to sinking.
the past week made me realize that though the surface was shimmering, the inside remained stale. i was smiling after i danced the night away. the experience was enough to convince myself that i'm no longer the same guy two years back. one crazy hangover later, i was all alone trying to piece together what happened the night before. i tried to look on the bright side of things but the end result and the truth was much too strong for me to fight off. i'm back to the drawing board, orchestrating the best possible way to overcome this hell i'm in. i'm on try number... too many i lost count.
tomorrow's a new day. tomorrow will most likely be the same. tomorrow probably is not yet the tomorrow i'm looking for but it's coming soon. never did i lose hope. maybe tomorrow i'll try again.
the past week made me realize that though the surface was shimmering, the inside remained stale. i was smiling after i danced the night away. the experience was enough to convince myself that i'm no longer the same guy two years back. one crazy hangover later, i was all alone trying to piece together what happened the night before. i tried to look on the bright side of things but the end result and the truth was much too strong for me to fight off. i'm back to the drawing board, orchestrating the best possible way to overcome this hell i'm in. i'm on try number... too many i lost count.
tomorrow's a new day. tomorrow will most likely be the same. tomorrow probably is not yet the tomorrow i'm looking for but it's coming soon. never did i lose hope. maybe tomorrow i'll try again.
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