axis

i thought last night's typographic release of emotions was enough to put me at ease. now here i am, quarter to two in the morning and feeling worse than ever. why am i still here?

the other night i got a couple of tickets for a movie. great. one for me and one for... crap, there's no one there. i tried to invite mercury but as fate would have it, she had other plans. i thought of others but in the middle of pushing numbered buttons i stopped. didn't want to send the wrong signals. in the end i had to give up and give the tickets to my sister and her bf instead.

soon the sun will rise. a few hours short of a good sleep later, i'll be back to my job. a job of pretending that everything is going good, pretending i am strong. throwing smiles and jokes all around, numbing the mind, sedating the heart. a few unproductive hours later i'll be on that ride home alone again, thinking, asking. why am i still here?

sum

i stopped the music. let the wind that blows and the water that flows be the sounds of the night. gravity has pulled me back to my old ways and now here i am, back to thinking and back to sinking.

the past week made me realize that though the surface was shimmering, the inside remained stale. i was smiling after i danced the night away. the experience was enough to convince myself that i'm no longer the same guy two years back. one crazy hangover later, i was all alone trying to piece together what happened the night before. i tried to look on the bright side of things but the end result and the truth was much too strong for me to fight off. i'm back to the drawing board, orchestrating the best possible way to overcome this hell i'm in. i'm on try number... too many i lost count.

tomorrow's a new day. tomorrow will most likely be the same. tomorrow probably is not yet the tomorrow i'm looking for but it's coming soon. never did i lose hope. maybe tomorrow i'll try again.