a halt at 1:39

my college class wanted a small reunion thursday afternoon. turns out, only a few could make it so it was cancelled. but apparently, all of my closest friends were available thursday night and so it was set. it'll be our first get-together since Christmas of last year. but i didn't make it, the meeting place was too far for me not to mention im not too familiar with the place and i might get lost. so i just stayed home, sent a couple of SMS's saying my apologies that i couldn't come.

to pass the time, i watched Constantine on DVD. a great movie but it suddenly stopped at the 1:39 mark. stupid fake DVD's! after a few reboots of the DVD player i got frustrated and decided to just try again the next morning. i went to my room and there was an unread message on my fone. It was from Karina, telling me that they had a great time and how they wished the entire group were there.

it seems that i was one of the topics discussed during the dinner. a friend or two mentioned my blogs, and how heart-crushing my posts are. Karina's text message was her reassuring me that she'll be there if ever i'll be needing her help. i was touched. after all we've been through, i can say im really fortunate to still have her on my list of friends. she was the first strike, she sees me as an older brother and nothing more. good thing all is cool between us now. the least i could do right now is to accept that fact and just be there for her as well. thanks mare!

fear of the third strike

the first strike was devastating, took me more or less a year to get up from the ground. again, i stepped up to the plate, waiting for the pitch, took my swing, but the ball just grazed my bat. surprisingly, the second strike wasn't that bad, i got up immediately and just got the dirt off my shoulder. you would think that shrugging the second easily would make a third swing a walk in the park, but it wasn't the case.

well it was like a piece of cake at first, but after i got my sight locked on a butterfly i started to re-think, started to doubt, fear was building up. would a third strike get me out of the game? maybe not. but still, the fear starts whispering, asking me if i'm ready to lay it all on the line again. my battle-scarred heart should withstand any blow, so what am i afraid of? rejection? depression? but i've been there, it wasn't fun but it's manageable...

maybe all i need is a good kick in the butt, i guess it'll make my mind straight not to mention get rid of my bad-ass fear of the third strike. so help a guy out and give me a good kick!

a dorm searching misadventure

i'm about to start my internship. my free time will likely end up spent on the premises of Manila Doctor's, and it'll be wise if i go to a dorm or rent a room. but i love my room, i got everything i need: tv, internet, mp3s, a comfy bed, anything i could ask for. having this pad, i never really considered renting a room unless it could emulate the luxury i have in my room. still, i gave it a try and went with a friend to look for dorms and rooms.

things went out pretty smoothly at first. we went to PJ Mansion, on the corner of taft ave. and pedro gil. a cute girl named MJ welcomed us, and with her "coñotic" tongue, she enlightened us with the perks of staying there. flyers described the place as a youth hostel, and it was. the system was great, lots of free stuff, but for a price. a room for 1 person will dig up P10000 a month out of your parent's pockets. the cheapest was sharing a room with 5 other people for P3500. the price threw us off...

next, we wandered the adjacent streets and found a room for rent. the price was P2000 a month, electricity not included. the ambience was not inviting, and its quite far from UP Manila, and MaDoc's. so i had to say "next!"

searching for more, we stumbled upon a "wanted male bedspacer." now, i don't really like the set-up of bedspacing. first of all, it would mean you'll be sharing the room with probably more than one person. then, your personal stuff will be restricted, you wont be able to bring your things as you wish. but all of these was nothing compared to what greeted us... my friend knocked on the door, knocked a few more, and after a few more someone answered and opened the door. i wasn't really interested so i stayed back, and just listened to their conversation. but as i peeked through the door i saw a gay-looking guy with only his undies and a pillow. he invited my friend in and i had to come in as well. he thought my friend was alone and upon seeing me decided to dress-up. thank goodness! for a while there i was scared because he closed the door and i thought we were on the road to male molestation. but after the gay tension subsided, he showed us the bed we were supposed to rent for P1700. saying that the room is small, is an understatement. not to mention being crowded by other bedspacers.

moral of the story: never come in when the landlord looks gay and is wearing only his undies! i'd rather travel for hours than to spend weeknights on a pigpen.

my thoughts as voiced by Musiq Soulchild

Girl I know this might seem strange
But let me know if I'm out of order
For stepping to you this way
See I've been watching you for a while
And I just gotta let you know
That I'm really feeling your style
Cause I have to know your name
And leave you with my number
And I hope that you would call me someday
If you want you can give me yours too
And if you don't I ain't mad at'cha
We can still be cool cause

I'm not trying to pressure you
Just can't stop thinkin' 'bout you
You ain't even really gotta be my girlfriend
I just wanna know your name
And maybe some time
We can hook up, hang out, just chill

- Musiq Soulchild

...well i already know your name, just wondering if maybe we can hook up, hang out, or just chill...

the good guy in me speaks out

i have been writing rather angrily on a couple of my previous blogs, near cursing my detractors and displaying angst against a certain person. and since all my negative emotions and bitter feelings are already on the table, i guess it's about time to let the good guy in me speak out...

"shit happens!" as i always say. and after giving much thought and a little help from the divine, i have forgiven. there's no one to blame, no sense in pointing fingers. it was nobody's fault. i'm just glad it's over with. i've learned a few lessons, and i'm thankful for that.

the actions and reactions of the individuals involved now seem easier to swallow. they just don't know me that well. i think they have an image of me totally different from what and who i really am. people see me always wearing a smile, always pumping up the volume with laughter, that's all i am to them. they don't take me seriously but i guess that's to their disadvantage. the ones that know me well can attest to that.

i forgive but i don't forget. and this little shower of understanding should be enough for people who don't even deserve it.

a half-smile

the class was about to start and before i went in, i saw an image of what seems to be my butterfly. i entered the room and seeing that i got a few minutes left before the lecture starts, i went out and tried to look for her. i didn't know where to look so i just went to the bathroom. and while i was walking she blindsided me, coming out of nowhere. i was stunned. i probably looked stupid uttering some lyrics from an mp3 i was listenin' to. She looked at me and gave me a half-smile. and for at least five minutes, my teeth was showing, i can't take off my smile...

oh well, i guess i have to rely on my information-gathering skills. the power of information is critical right know, given that i'm such a wuss. for now i just have to be content with what the circumstances have to offer. the half-smile should be enough for me. the smile may be only partial but her eyes tells me there is something more, something that might include me? well, i hope so...

man on the side...

just a simple blog from a butterfly... "baby i'm yours... c'mon and get me." a line from a poplular tune making my head spin. an inquiring mind, hoping the soundwave was intended to go towards my direction. i can only speculate.

and as an answer i'll use the same media. from the words of john mayer:

could you pencil me in when you can? though we both know that the worst part about it is i would be free when you wanted me, if you wanted me...

i am the man on the side. hoping you'll make up your mind. i am the one who will swallow his pride. life as the man on the side...