the next best thing

my fingers are a bit sore as i try to gather my thoughts. for the first time in i don't know how long, i got my hand on a guitar. i saw it on my way up to my room and the strings just called me. it was out of tune. after twisting knobs, changing keys, and listening to the sounds, i was again my own rockstar.

i used to lock up in my room, listening to cassette tapes, singing my lungs out and pounding my guitar. saturday morning jams with the band, renting studios, and living the dream. yeah, i thought we'd make it big. in a way, maybe we did. performing in front of the whole highschool population, it was a ride seeing people bob their heads as i sing lines from a catchy tune. a third place finish, not bad.

but that was then. though i still want to pursue the dream, things are different now. a couple of times i'd compose a song but midway through i'd stop. no one will hear it anyway, what's the use? i think i'm too old to start realizing the quest to become a singer/songwriter. i guess drugs should do for now.

2 months 'til he pharmacy board exam, i'm still playing time. i should get my act together and follow another dream, vindication. a top finish would definitely turn heads. too much pressure to put on my own shoulder, maybe. but i like to look at myself as someone who won't crumble under pressure but instead rise to the occasion and take charge.

i can't do this on my own though. friends, i need your prayers. a push from God would be instrumental to my quest for glory, and your prayers would give me just that. i'll owe you big time!

just friends

i've always wondered if by any chance she happens to read the words that i write. it's quite possible the annoying "Ron has updated his Friendster Blog" emails sparked some curiosity. either way, it's all been done. whether she reads this or not, the fact of the matter is, all my thoughts, pro-heart or pro-mind, are already published for everyone to see.

for the past few weeks i've been forcing myself to believe that this is nothing. i keep telling myself that even if this is something, it'll all amount to nothing. she's in love for pete's sake! but sadly, so am i...

a case of wrong timing? or simply a case of falling for the wrong person for all the right reasons? i'll leave it all up to God. i feel like i've been shoved in the friend zone anyway. for a while there i thought i had a chance. a night of drunk love-talk with friends somehow convinced me that i'm not against a brick wall. a few exchanges of text quotes only made it worse, i'm starting to become what i hate.

but the latest sms recieved was a "friendship" quote. that'll keep my thoughts straight. forgive me if i can't stop thinking about you, i just can't help it. i'll do the best i can to be your friend and nothing more. so help me God.

the euro-med cavite experience: the final chapter

wednesday, 19th of april, time to go home. i walked outside waiting for a bus to manila. i looked up and saw a beautiful morning sky. the sun was shining brightly, the clouds were moving slowly, a great mental picture to remember cavite by. it was the last time i saw cavite, until this day.

we were to pick up today some things, not suitable for bus travel. tv, dvd, electric fans and some excess baggage. now it's time to say our last goodbye to the house. i must admit that although it was not the most comfortable of places, i missed it. the experience, living with women, discovering people, befriending an inspration, is definitely an experience that i'll never forget.

after picking up all our belongings, my 2 companions suggested a quick visit to tagaytay. sure. the 2 were the housemates that i had some words for. but it's all in the past now, im not one to let some bad feelings get out of hand and blow out of proportion. in the end, it was a great trip to people's park in the sky, pictures are proof. i just wish that the butterfly was there. she was making her presence felt, from butterfly-shaped cakes to butterfly keychains. i see her everywhere. how can i clip her wings if everything i see reminds me of her? i need a change of heart...

post-graduation quandary

the graduates were requested to assemble and i saw a butterfly flying around. beautiful. she was with her parents and sadly her man was there too. i would be lying if i said i felt nothing, because i felt something. after the college graduation, i saw her with her boyfriend walking our way. i immediately got into the van avoiding a possible awkward moment. but she still saw me and congratulated me. i can only smile. even my sister, who saw her earlier, liked her.

university graduation, PICC. after screaming my lungs out, howling 7 years of struggle, it's time for some kodak moments. clicks and flashes, then it was over. it's time to say our goodbyes. i wanted to hug my friends, but they graduated 2 years earlier, they were nowhere in sight. she on the other hand was hugging everybody. and when our eyes locked, we said our congratulations, shook hands, and had a semi-hug. i couldn't hug her, but i wanted to squeeze her. i could've given more, i could've gotten more. i wanted more. and that was it.

it's been a week since we finished our internship in cavite. i miss the house, i miss the housemates, i miss her. it's also been a week since i felt like i should stop thinking about her and move on. i've been blurting out words to people, saying i don't like her no more, that i've decided to suppress my feelings. yeah ron, keep telling yourself that. maybe it's time i put my "holding-back" position to full throttle.

though the song still lingers in my head:

i fell in love with a dream that I built of you, playing the part of the queen. taking my own advice, i'm giving up tonight. Good luck to you and the king.

could you pencil me in when you can? though we both know that the worst part about it is i would be free when you wanted me, if you wanted me...

i am the man on the side. hoping you'll make up your mind. i am the one who will swallow his pride. life as the man on the side...

batch 2006

i graduated late and i'm late for graduation, 2 years and an hour respectively. halfway through the college graduation, a drop of sadness fell on me. i miss my batchmates, my friends. i look around and i see familiar faces, but they just don't feel like home. batch of 2006, we were. but at heart i'm still batch of 2004.

this is my day and i have to enjoy it. but a presentation from the graduating batch ruined it for me. 10 minutes of technical difficulties, then a slideshow was presented. pictures of the past and pictures of the present. i never saw my face. and they even dared to ask me why i was not there. i felt that i did not belong there. i just imagined gene, chai, carlo, karina, jeboy, kirk, boni, and me graduating together and those were our pictures.

on to the university graduation, a larger stage and a bigger audience. 920+ UP Manila students earning their degrees from different colleges. it was a borefest. until, we were called up the stage to get our dummy diplomas. i'm starting to feel like a graduate. and after the closing remarks, after the final words, i screamed my lungs out. 7 years. 7 long years. it's finally over.

congratulations to the graduates!

the euromed-cavite experience: part 10

for the first time in our internship, we decided to take the fastlane and opt for the graveyard shift. the company stopped production on holy wednesday and resumed 2pm monday the following week. with 29 hours to go, we were to report from 2pm-6am, to slash a significant amount off of the remaining hours.

so there we were, folding boxes, handing-out package inserts, doing nothing spectacular. by 2am, my eyes were getting heavy and my head was starting to hurt. where's the insomniac when i need him? 4am, i called it quits, i need to sleep. sleep.

7am the next day, movements woke me up. my 3 roommates had already finished their 160 hours of internship and were packing, eager to go home early. i, on the other hand, only had 3 hours of sleep and still had 15 hours of internship to complete.

the plan was a 2pm-5am internship marathon to have time left to prepare for friday's graduation. the good Lord once again smiled at us and presented us another angel. ma'am jansen sent us home 5pm while the timecard reads 6am of the next day.

it was our last day at euro-med, it was my last day with the butterfly. she logged-in a few hours earlier than us and was doing intern stuff alone. she must be lonesome, she might need some company. there were a couple of instances wherein i could've helped her with her job or open up a conversation, but i forced myself not to. only once did i give in to my heart and talked to her, just to tell her the good news that we will be going home early.

the day was finally over, the 160 hours have been completed, nothing left to do but pack up and go home, my real home. but we decided to make the most out of our stay and chose to go home the next day. the butterfly on the other hand already have other plans and was due to go home that night, her brother was on his way to pick her up. i was trying to sleep in the other room but the howls and vehicle sounds kept me awake. i got up and went to the next room and she was gone. i did not notice, i was not notified. where was the goodbye?

The euro-med cavite experience: part 9

tuesday, april the 11th, one of the housemate's birthday and we're off to tagaytay. i woke up early, very early. my cooking skills were called again for a second tour of duty. 6am, the food was ready to go.

just a jeepney ride away from dasmarinas, tagaytay was some kind of escape from internship stuff. thanks to euro-med's angel, we arranged our picnic but still had 17 hours written on the timecard. 7:30am, we were ready to go.

tagaytay picnic grove was not in the jeepney's route but the driver was nice enough to drive us all the way there. he even offered to fetch us after we're done. the grove was a huge place with easily more than a hundred tables and cottages. and after a few minutes of walking, we finally settled for a table under a tree. 9am, we were ready to eat.

my early wake-up call was a blessing in disguise. only a couple of housemates were awake and i had the kitchen all to myself. no one's gonna mess with my dish this time. paper plates, plastic forks and my pasta. i'm ready for the verdict.

the deliciousness has landed. every mouthful generated some mmmmm's. the magic is back. and what perfect timing, the butterfly had her first taste of my cooking and loved it. my smile said it all. now i'm ready for her...

The euro-med cavite experience: part 8

back on my uncomfortable bed, i'm almost alone in the room. the door is open, one fixes up her things and the others are watching tv in the next room. i thought this day would be good but it slowly showed its ugly face as the day went on.

yesterday, i was home. and how sweet it is to be home. cable tv, internet, and everything i lost for a week, i had to savor in less than a day. i had to get up early this morning and go to cavite. i packed up everything i can in two sports bags. clothes, a dvd player, a water heater, some canned goods, a digicam, and anything i can take from my room. i was ready for my 2nd week in cavite.

the other day i was furious at one of the housemates. some of us decided to travel together this day and she was with us. on our way, i still have some words for her but i decided to forget about it and keep my thoughts to myself. little did i know that the truce will only last for a couple of hours.

doing intern stuff, the group was having fun. but my laughter abruptly turned into silence and an irate stare. strike 2. the same girl thought she was funny verbalizing words that hit a nerve. again, i decided to let it go and after roughly an hour of silence, the clown was back.

maybe one week together is not enough to know each other's limits. i'm an open book, and freely shared the tragedies of my love life. but one other housemate keeps rubbing it in my face thinking it was funny. she keeps on telling people how women turned me down. i think it's because i was over it good that she thought it's ok to blurt it out whenever she feels like it. i was ok with it at first, but it's a different thing when she broadcasts it in a public place 100 times in a day.

i want to go home now. this is not the place and the people that i thought they were. i think i'm even losing my connection with my butterfly. what a difference a day makes...

The euro-med cavite experience: part 7

i wonder why she's not here yet. it's been 2 nights and i'm missing her cute laugh. she had to go 2 her nephew's birthday party and left yesterday afternoon.

work today wasn't that heavy but it's not that easy either. we folded drug inserts for hours until the angel dismissed us at 5:30pm and logged us 17 hours on the timecard. home early, we decided to cook dinner rather than spend more on fastfood. i was the chef for the day and today's menu: pasta ala roni.

for years i've been cooking up this homemade dish and the feedback was great. everytime i celebrate my birthday or anytime i feel like it, i serve the dish that people seem to enjoy. i would've wish she could have a taste of my specialty but today's pasta ala roni didn't have its magic.

too many chefs spoil the broth. how fitting. it was my dish, my method, and my rules. but while cooking the dish, some wanted to put their fingers in. add a little salt, add some onions, do this, do that. who told you have a say on this? there's another stove, cook your own dish! if only i have the war-freak nature from my mom's side of the family, there would be a shouting match for sure.

if by any chance, you are the one i'm referring to and know it, be thankful that i respect women and that i'm no asshole. you would've been covered with mouth-watering white sauce right now. care to push me to the limit?