pollux and castor

the clouds are gray, a few minutes of calm before the downpour. i'll be soaked one way or another, more likely on the inside than the out. the queue of cars outside the window, the covered sunset, and the echoes inside my head could only reinforce the concrete covering my feet.

i'll be seeing the waves twice, hopefully in a bright light. a much needed escape, a much needed distraction. i know i've tried hard enough. the can of worms i opened up rattled me, pushing me back and forcing me to take a half-step backward.

i'll be making my body fluids a little bit thinner, a little bit lighter. i'll be calling on my favorite saint, making sleep almost automatic. at least for one night all the mid-sleep mindjobs would stop with only an upside down stomach as a downside. everyday is a battle, the war yet to conclude.

aurora

my cinco de mayo gesture did not pass by without judgment. my head went back and forth trying to make sense of the decisions i made. i consulted with some friends and tried to answer them with much logic on why i did it. there were no clear answers, it's clearly a gray area. i hope i didn't spoil the party.

i'm almost back to my old deadly form professionally.  i've been training some young minds for almost a week now. how ironic that i'm teaching them paradigm shifts, flushing out the negativity in their thoughts while i on the other hand can't think white. the frustration almost always gets the better of my patience. hopefully i wont get tired of trying to fight it. thoughts create things. if this is universally true then i might as well prepare for the worst.

the term "relapse" is an overstatement. i'm not back where i started. but where am i exactly? i just dreamt of revisiting my family. oh how i miss that family. everything was effortless, you just feel you belong. i'll see you guys soon. hopefully this time, i wont be wearing a mask. a happy mask i thought i'd never need again.

half

impossible is nothing. i've done all the necessary paperworks so to speak but it just can't leave me alone. i've gone to great lengths to bulletproof my weeks but to no avail. the light is the only thing that pulls me out of bed everyday.

i'm a victim of my own rules. i didn't mind how many the zeroes were between the point and the one, i just knew i had to keep it that way. history shows that things will get better, everything will fall into place. a heart that turned black on me once is now closer than ever. the friendship after the fallout was pure and true. nowhere near what i wanted years back but it's way better this way. never saw that coming. history shall repeat itself.

the question of half-empty or half-full lingers but who cares? a half is a half, neither full nor empty. i'm somewhere in the middle and standing still. this is what's best for now. the more i fight, the deeper i get in this quicksand, but giving up is accepting defeat, and defeat is never an option.

terminal velocity

moony's dove is my wake up call and it takes at least ten snoozes before i get out of bed. i don't want to leave for work but what choice do i have? if not for the financial aspect of this world, i would definitely return to my 12-hour sleep days. but i have to pay the bills and so i go.

open the glass door, greet everyone with a smile and a high-pitch "good morning!" sets the tone for the day; the smile hiding the misery and the greeting masking the angst. the cool job i had for the first couple of months turned out to be a drag, keeping acceleration at a minimum.

my back hurts and my head spins. my nine to five eventually fades and bye goes the bosses. one by one the employees start to go home. but i don't want to go home. i choose to watch tv shows on my laptop instead of going home. if only there's a sleeping bag and a decent shower i would stay 'til the next day. but there isn't and so i go.

walk the walk, open the steel gate, enter the house and stare at the leftovers. my dinner is set. stomach filled i head upstairs and go to bed. home is no fun either and repeating the vicious cycle is inevitable.

i'm still free falling, waiting to hit the ground, waiting for a lucky break.

nine to five

i'm wide awake and confined to my corner of solace. there was nothing left to lose. i blindfolded my eyes and covered my ears. i waited but nothing came. the scattered rainshowers and thunderstorms just made the cold shoulder a bit colder. spent a couple of days in the ditch then i got up and brushed it off. or at least made people feel that i brushed it off. truth be told, i wasn't true.

then all of a sudden everybody was sad. i had to shed my skin and hide my scars to comfort the world. i had to be strong. i had to be stronger. i was everyone's go-to-guy again. the phones were ringing left and right and for a while in my nine to five weekdays i forgot the sadness.

outside of my nine to five tells a different story. a story of frustration, despair, misery, distress, and ironically a glimmer of hope.

confession

a couple of months before the disconnection, i started to think. the casual grassy walk to the bus stop was nothing but a mindjob. why am i here? is this really worth it? a week after, the questions progressed. what if i am single right now? should i stop this now?

but i was too comfortable. i was happy. i ignored the 4-hour sleeps. i ignored my worn-out body. i ignored all the questions in my head.

my faith was tainted. i started thinking for myself and i began to doubt. if this is the real thing then why is it this hard? it did make other things easier but the connection itself was a drag.

wish granted ron, now what? i did anything and everything to bounce back. and i'm almost there, i just need to gain a few more pounds then i'm good. with nothing left to lose and a new inspiration, i dove in.

i rubbed my eyes and realized it was just an oasis. the pool did not exist and the girl was just a ghost.

what's next?

drift

the broken lines are coming fast, the spaces hardly seen. familiar sounds fill the air, laughter filling the void. regrets, dreams, every imaginable thought made a few hours on the open road felt like a lifetime.

the night was alive, a few coins making it more interesting. the bottles took me to bed but not before taking a big step. i took advantage of the hindered thought process and made the move. it took a couple of days but i got all the time in the world.

i fell short, i felt short. that's the way the ball rolled, that's the way my head rolled. it means nothing but it meant something.

thanks for the blind chase, it was fun while it lasted.

eleanor

out of nowhere you came. i was so focused on the task at hand that you caught me offguard. my feet unconciously brought me next to you. a mere stranger yet i was drawn. i didn't mind as my dark shirt failed to hide the sweat from that day's work, i just wanted to sit beside you.

days passed and i'm thinking i need another event to see you. misinterpreted as usual but i didn't care. everybody was thinking i wanted to see her again after the infamous encounter of major coincidental proportions. but it was you i wanted to see again. it was you that made that supposed to be awkward encounter easy. and for that i'm thankful. you're making a difference in my life without even trying to. in time i'll be able to make these words make sense to you but for now there will be no light. not just yet. our struggles with the past still haunts us from time to time making us vulnerable to false pretenses.

in order for me to have something i never had before, i have to do something i never did before. i hope it's not too late.

unchained

in a what-the-heck mood, i went for it. i consumed my adversary piece by piece just waiting for its retaliation but there was none. i felt a sudden increase in my body temperature but it dissipated quickly. i was in disbelief. just got lucky i guess.

a week later, the enemy was there again staring at me daring me to dig in. but she was not alone. i was a bit hesitant at first but i have to know now. i have to know if this thing inside me is gone. i have to know if i'm already cured.

so i went for the kill. using my bare hands i tore them apart, devouring every bit. my hands started to panic as they felt a bit prickly. but there was no turning back, i have to finish what i started. and i did. there were body parts everywhere.

and there it was. i am cured and what perfect timing. the no meat policy was in place this good friday. i am now free of the curse of my forbidden food. no more itching, no more swelling, no more patches. God is truly great and miracles still happen.

and as for you crabs and shrimps, it's been years so you better have eyes at the back of your heads because i'm coming to get ya!