nine to five

i'm wide awake and confined to my corner of solace. there was nothing left to lose. i blindfolded my eyes and covered my ears. i waited but nothing came. the scattered rainshowers and thunderstorms just made the cold shoulder a bit colder. spent a couple of days in the ditch then i got up and brushed it off. or at least made people feel that i brushed it off. truth be told, i wasn't true.

then all of a sudden everybody was sad. i had to shed my skin and hide my scars to comfort the world. i had to be strong. i had to be stronger. i was everyone's go-to-guy again. the phones were ringing left and right and for a while in my nine to five weekdays i forgot the sadness.

outside of my nine to five tells a different story. a story of frustration, despair, misery, distress, and ironically a glimmer of hope.

confession

a couple of months before the disconnection, i started to think. the casual grassy walk to the bus stop was nothing but a mindjob. why am i here? is this really worth it? a week after, the questions progressed. what if i am single right now? should i stop this now?

but i was too comfortable. i was happy. i ignored the 4-hour sleeps. i ignored my worn-out body. i ignored all the questions in my head.

my faith was tainted. i started thinking for myself and i began to doubt. if this is the real thing then why is it this hard? it did make other things easier but the connection itself was a drag.

wish granted ron, now what? i did anything and everything to bounce back. and i'm almost there, i just need to gain a few more pounds then i'm good. with nothing left to lose and a new inspiration, i dove in.

i rubbed my eyes and realized it was just an oasis. the pool did not exist and the girl was just a ghost.

what's next?

drift

the broken lines are coming fast, the spaces hardly seen. familiar sounds fill the air, laughter filling the void. regrets, dreams, every imaginable thought made a few hours on the open road felt like a lifetime.

the night was alive, a few coins making it more interesting. the bottles took me to bed but not before taking a big step. i took advantage of the hindered thought process and made the move. it took a couple of days but i got all the time in the world.

i fell short, i felt short. that's the way the ball rolled, that's the way my head rolled. it means nothing but it meant something.

thanks for the blind chase, it was fun while it lasted.

eleanor

out of nowhere you came. i was so focused on the task at hand that you caught me offguard. my feet unconciously brought me next to you. a mere stranger yet i was drawn. i didn't mind as my dark shirt failed to hide the sweat from that day's work, i just wanted to sit beside you.

days passed and i'm thinking i need another event to see you. misinterpreted as usual but i didn't care. everybody was thinking i wanted to see her again after the infamous encounter of major coincidental proportions. but it was you i wanted to see again. it was you that made that supposed to be awkward encounter easy. and for that i'm thankful. you're making a difference in my life without even trying to. in time i'll be able to make these words make sense to you but for now there will be no light. not just yet. our struggles with the past still haunts us from time to time making us vulnerable to false pretenses.

in order for me to have something i never had before, i have to do something i never did before. i hope it's not too late.

unchained

in a what-the-heck mood, i went for it. i consumed my adversary piece by piece just waiting for its retaliation but there was none. i felt a sudden increase in my body temperature but it dissipated quickly. i was in disbelief. just got lucky i guess.

a week later, the enemy was there again staring at me daring me to dig in. but she was not alone. i was a bit hesitant at first but i have to know now. i have to know if this thing inside me is gone. i have to know if i'm already cured.

so i went for the kill. using my bare hands i tore them apart, devouring every bit. my hands started to panic as they felt a bit prickly. but there was no turning back, i have to finish what i started. and i did. there were body parts everywhere.

and there it was. i am cured and what perfect timing. the no meat policy was in place this good friday. i am now free of the curse of my forbidden food. no more itching, no more swelling, no more patches. God is truly great and miracles still happen.

and as for you crabs and shrimps, it's been years so you better have eyes at the back of your heads because i'm coming to get ya!

who broke my mug?

mugs. the ever so popular gift item that everybody receives during the holidays. and instead of throwing them away or keeping them together with the i'll-think-of-what-i'll-do-with-you-later stuff, i use them whichever way i can. i have 3 mugs sitting in my room, 2 for pens and another for just about anything. i have another 4 mugs in the office, 2 for pens and the other 2 for coffee. one from home and the other from her. the latter became the instant favorite and the other forgotten.

then my mug went missing. i needed my daily kick of caffeine but my mug is nowhere to be found. who has it? who used it without my consent? i had no time to figure it out so i just used a not so special coffee cup. then after my first sip, someone gave me a clue on my mug's whereabouts. "i saw a mug near the trash and i think it's broken." i checked it out right away and there it was, lying broken on the floor like a dead robber killed by a vigilante. the only thing missing was the white chalk to trace the oultine of its remains.

so who broke my mug? was it the utility guy who washes the dishes? was it the guy who told me he saw it broken? no one would take responsibility. i can point fingers all day but that's just it, there is no point.

maybe it was me who broke that mug after all.

poker face

everything is a game. i started out with only a handful and next thing you know i’m at half a million. then the following week i’m flat broke. life can be cruel sometimes but you can’t hate the players, it’s the game of chance that is to blame.

the adventures and misadventures i have had the past year and a half didn’t start without taking risks. i took the risk, throwing caution to the wind. i knew that it was a dead-end journey but that didn’t stop me, didn’t stop us. it was worth it i think.

ante up. and i went all-in. i won big time. i won time and time again, losing a few scratches here and there but i was unstoppable, nowhere but up. i was on a high. then it all came crashing down. quit while you’re ahead i thought. but i was doing so good that i didn’t mind the losses. i’ll get them back. i went all-in with bulletproof hands but i kept on losing time and time again, winning a few scratches here and there, going nowhere fast. until finally i lost everything i had with only a rank status to remind everyone that i was once at the top of this game.

now i play this game with caution, with more folds than all-in’s. inch by inch i’m crawling my way up the ladder. getting more and more confident as i win the tables. sooner or later i’ll be the risk taker again, piling up the victories. one wrong push of a button then it’ll all be gone once again. but this time i know better. i just need to find me a seat.

the next page

unforeseen events led to the sudden conclusion of the infamous Misadventures of Roni G! i've made a makeshift blog somewhere with less than 10 readers but it didn't fill the void. it was about the wrong person but was made for all the right reasons. time to turn a new leaf. on to the next page.

irish spring

so i had a really rough day. i still haven't figured out what to do to distract myself from the ever lonely train ride to work. everyday is still a struggle. i thought i had it all figured out. i was happy, i was having a good time, i've met a lot of new people, everything was going great. even i was convinced that i was doing great. have i been lying to myself all along?

compliments came from all angles, no one had a clue i was still having this crappy feeling. i looked good and felt good so i thought i was good. there was even a time when i asked myself, if i had one wish right now, what would it be? of course she popped in my head easily but somehow i lost interest. then i thought i would rather not have a wish right now for i really don't know what i want anymore.

and now here i am again. same old sh*t. typing words coming out of nowhere.

i clearly understand that the odds of me giving up is the same as she coming back. yeah, i could imagine you reading this right now, pausing for a couple of seconds just to raise that hand gesture of an "L" in your forehead. go on, knock yourself out. say anything you want about me. i just wish this doesn't happen to you. of course there are people who have worse problems than me thinking we should trade places. but do they seriously think that knowing these things will make things better for me? or even for them for that matter. oh crap, i'm throwing punches under water again, i need to stop.

this is me having a major relapse. far worse than the relapses i had before. great. just great.

thank you for coming, come again.