fast times, slow hearts

seven days ago i woke up in the coldness of the thin sheets and low temperatures. now i wake up in the coldness of being alone. how time flies but i’m not having fun. next thing you’ll know it’s already st. patrick’s day and i’m still in this slump.

last night i tried to relieve some of my emotional stress by having dinner with friends. but a bump on the road on one and an annoying decision by another, i was there waiting alone. a few minutes passed and i’m starting to think about her. and like a snowball rolling into an avalanche, the thoughts progressed and i was agitated. a few calls more and a few excuses later i got fed up and left. i can’t take the loneliness anymore, waiting for people that are either late or won’t even come at all.

what should’ve been a release of stress turned out to be another night on my bed. the night was predestined for me to savor the bitter taste of defeat. my heart is in slow motion going into it’s “i’m over you” phase. your heart on the other hand is in slow motion getting there. the sooner you get there, the sooner i’ll move on.

trance

with a few bottles and some awkward moments, i started to think again. bad influences of booze and worst was in the offering. am i missing that much? but the urge lasted for a mere 10 seconds. it wasn’t me. i don’t get my kick from the bad. i want to but i can’t. i wont be happy with it anyway. i lied my ass away to get away from it. next thing i knew i was looking for the sandman once again.

with Him on my side table, i started to calm down a bit. a few moments more and i was in a trance. we were having dinner, talking the night away. then suddenly there was this hunger of yours to see him. you got out of the building and jumped on the first jeepney you saw. it was still moving even but you didn’t mind. you’re dying to see him no matter what. i run after you to convince you to stop the madness but to no avail. when i realized that it was a lost cause, i started to wet my cheeks. you were there looking at me as if i’m having the time of my life. you never flinched. that’s when i woke up.

from LRT to MRT

just a while ago i was in “screw you all” mode but after hearing the nostalgic voices playing in my winamp playlist, i’m back to contemplating and regrouping. for the past weeks i’ve been drowning myself with sad tunes and unanswered questions, going a few months back i remember Love, Respect and Trust as the keys. i had that then, now it’s Misery, Regret and Tragedy.

i still care enough not to let anything bad happen. that’s why right now, i’m thinking of your LRT formula. Love - getting there, Respect - getting there if not there already, and Trust - perhaps questionable. i just wish the formula has changed. if this still stands, then trouble awaits, MRT is just a stone-throw away.

two

blog number two in two days. just means this is getting serious. why else would i write if not for the outburst of emotions in words or i need to share a joke or something. the silence of no laughter is deafening.
the stars tell our story. as i walked my ever popular thrift walk down the winding streets of rizal, i looked up and saw my fate. two bright stars shining amidst the vastly cloud-covered dark blue sky. the number hid the real picture. the sky painted the situation perfectly with the two stars lightyears from each other. one shone alone while the other shone with a reaching beam.
i’m choking in my own pride. must have swallowed too much of it. john’s at the back again, shouting “take my advice and give up tonight.” sadly, i’m not in a position to decide and even if i had to, i know what i won’t do. i hate quitters. it’s the reason why i’m still stuck with my do-it-all lame ass job. i need to prove to everyone and to myself that moving on is not always the answer. i need to hold on to something no matter how small. pathetic as it seems, i was built this way. one comment said it all, i sometimes give it all out that there’s nothing left for myself.
it takes two to tango. i’m responsible as well. my two lives can’t co-exist. one would always cause concerns to the other. i thought i figured it out or at least still had time to figure it out. time ran out and the words that should’ve come out from my mouth already came out from a sly mask. the words that should’ve graced my ears were already intercepted. game over. now its three. four even.
there’s only room for two. one you and one me.

back in blank

It’s been a while since my last post, never thought i’d blog again. but as fate would have it, i’m back. and hopefully not for good. faithful readers of the two-year rollercoaster ride that is the Misadventures of Roni G! might notice a trend, 10% sarcasm, 10% achievements, 80% depression.so what’s up Roni G?! I’m depressed, yet again, that’s what’s up.

how nostalgic the ambience: 10:48, a quiet evening, john mayer’s voice as my soundtrack, a bleeding heart, and a half-empty blog. maybe i was destined to be lonely to rekindle my play on words. only time will tell.

so what gives? i was searching for my article “someday i’ll get it right” thinking a glance in the past would provide answers for the present. apparently not. i still can’t figure out what i’m doing wrong.

and so the rain pours hard on the roof bringing a sense of companionship to this insanity. i guess the heavens are synchronizing it’s tears to mine. at least im not alone.

i’m dying to storytell my way out of my miseries but i just can’t. anonimity might not be enough to protect the involved. jumbled words and metaphors might work but i have to be extra cautious. the battle against angst and patience continues. either way, i have to endure the pain. ever the martyr no one understands. not even the closest one at hand. a burden only me truly appreciates. and with that i can find peace.

now in a mindset of “take it or leave it” approach that i know will never work. who am i kidding? it’s more like “take it” or “leave it and i’m walking after you.”

a sense of home is felt as i savor the taste of depression. a sense of urgency to get myself out of a home that bred my loneliness and only has a few entries to be proud of…

blackhole

the stars tell our story. as i walked the streets last nyt, not even a single star can be seen. the moon lit up the sky just for me to see that the stars are all covered with dark clouds. i did see this coming.

the letters tell otherwise. special characters in the end tell me everything’s fine. deeper into the night, the words changed, my most hated emotion was tickling me again. the value of honesty outweighed the confession itself but it doesn’t mean i didn’t get hurt. the lines typed are like daggers everytime it flashes on the window. at this point i’m thinking of pushing the “what-i-don’t-know-won’t-hurt-me” button. but i guess it’s for the best. pain is love as ja would say…

it’s not ok, but it’s ok. i just hope and pray the the frequency of these attacks will go down significantly. i love my star so much, the star that holds my heart for her to fill or burst. my love and joy, my forever, my pain. i’ll never leave you…

stellar

a falling star grazed the galera night sky once and soon after the search for peace of mind was over. right then and there i started to believe. wishing upon a star was no child's play.

years passed and what seemed like an airplane in flames lighted up the night sky. i was bothered by the thought of a plane crash, but while still stunned by the scene, the huge ball of light faded away. then i realized, it's another falling star, another wish to be fulfilled.

the relative massiveness of the star was at par with the wish. never thought twice, i knew what i wanted. and when the 27th of the third month came, the wish was granted...

we are february stars floating in the dark. we seem lightyears away but the stars brought us closer. "one star is enough to light my world..." that says it all...

collide

just a few moments ago things are going great but a simple question changed the atmosphere. i was even thinking of a denial, but you know i can't lie to you. once again the indelible line is drawn. i did make the promise but i was caught-up in the moment. it was innocent, just the right combination of respect and affection.

it's the typical "how can it be wrong when it feels so right" scenario and i do understand where you're coming from. believe me i do. but i do hope you try and understand where i'm coming from...

so maybe i tried too hard, but it's all because of this desire... thanks john...

in circles

mornings are so much brighter these days. i've never been happier to force myself to wake up so early in the morning just to eat. never thought breakfast could be such a joy.

as the darkness fills the sky, the anxiety builds up. i need to catch the first jeepney, need to catch the first train. the night is on borrowed time and we have to make the most out of it.

the real wednesday showed her face. a routine walk turned into something greater. going round in circles was one of the silliest but sweetest thing we did. you were asking me when did i realize i liked you. never mind that. i just realized one better.

ask me when i realized i was in love with you, the answer is "here and now."

it's not about you now, it's what we are...