letters to kaye

a few years back, kaye and i used to exchange emails on a regular basis. she left for the states and email was our only form of communication. she hated living in the states and really wanted to go home while i was drowning in frustration, keeping my feelings for someone to myself. almost everyday i send her an email of the day's events and she would reply with her assessment. and then the process goes vice-versa.

for the first few months, i used the free email service from edsamail. all our email conversations were saved in the edsamail program. however, the company decided to charge its customers and i had to discontinue using edsamail. all the emails saved were gone.

i switched to other email services to continue my mail sessions with kaye. luckily, some of them remain and one particular email caught my attention. it was about a dream i had before. i can't seem to remember having this dream but the letter doesn't lie, i was the one who wrote it. after reading it a few more times, i remebered the dream. this was the letter:

(a little background: i was inlove with karina at the time, tried to fight my feelings, hid it for a couple of years. i think at this point i was on the verge of revelation. we all know how that went. tragic)

june 9 2002 12:27am

hey kaye, how's the weather? sori di ko alam yung sagot sa tanong mo? di ko alam kung nandito sino ba yung artistang yun? basta wala kc akong alam, pati dun sa audiogalaxy, binago na kc yun, di ko alam kung pano magdownload.... anyway, the reason i wrote is that i want to tell you something... im sori if this consumes your time for no apparent reason but what the hey, read it nalang... last nyt kc i dreamt of karina. and it was so sweet that i wish hindi na ako nagising... for real, kala ko nga ang corny nung mga sabi sa tv na "kung ito'y isang panaginip, ayoko nang magising," but i guess it happens... it started out as a weird dream, because the setting was unreal but that's not important ryt now... it was like in school or something, and students must join a club or activity of some sort and we had the luxury of choosing what we want... kmi na yata nun, and she chose a "club" na parang religious. e parang kulto yung dating so i had my thoughts, but still i didn't mind and joined anyways to be with her... nung sa loob na kmi, di ko maintindihan yung ginagawa nung mga tao, basta puro tungkol sa religion pero daming practices na wierd or cult-like... and then all i remember is that we were on a bed and marami yatang tao sa paligid namin, pero ang talagang nakita ko dun e c carlo, yung ex nya... so in real life, malamang wala akong gawin nun kc nga nandun sha, hiya ako... but in my dream i kissed her na wala akong pakielam sa anong mangyayari or what people will say especially, the ex... and it was like a wake up call to me... medjo panget yung delivery ko nung kwento kaya di mashado sweet but the point is, my mind is clear... i love her na nga talaga... and im just counting the days till i tel someone about my true feelings... hahanap nalang cguro ako ng tyempo. di nga ako makatulog kakaisip kung pano ko sasabihin sa mga friends ko, pero sana malapit na, mahirap din kcng magtago no... and i still can't forget that kiss, it was so real, talagang kinilig ako...

telling my feelings is just the first step, di naman kc automatic yun na mahal din nya ako no... that's a possibility pero its better safe than sorry... sbi ko nga db, love, if its really true, doesn't need an answer... im still open to any relationship that might come, kc nga baka naman me iniisip ng iba yun and baka magkaron din ng bf in the near future... kuntento na ako sa ngayon na loving her from a distance, pero rest assured na di ko naman lolokohin yung magiging gf ko kung magkaron man...

so ano na nga pala buhay mo jan? are you starting to believe na theres something more than what you have been handed? its nice to know that ur happy, if not all the tym at least for a while, the fact is that ur happy... masaya ka, masaya tayo lahat! il send this email as soon as i can... thanks for being there, ikaw lng naman nasasabihan ko ng mga mushy stuff na ganito, lalo na pagdating ke karina na secret lng natin... salamat talaga at sumusulat ka pa rin skin, mas ok nga sana kung sa phone, miss ko na rin kc yung usapan natin na nagsisimula ng 12am tapos bahala na kung kelan matapos... :)

peterpan to tinkerbell (thoughts of a hopeless romantic)

it's been a couple of weeks since the last time i saw her. i think about her once in a while. now that she was caught by another's net, i haven't thought of her nor tried to connect with her that much. it's cool, never really expected anything there. it was just nice that somehow i took a step forward as far as being the torpe guy goes. i told her (thru friendster) i had a huge crush on her and asked her if maybe i could have her number. she was flattered and we've been textmates eversince.

but now that the news of her status is in my central circulation, i took a step back. didn't send her as much text messages as before, didn't ask people about her that much. nonetheless, i made sure that the connection was still alive, and that i was still in the friend zone.

one night i came home late. there was nothing for me to do, no assignments, no exams i had to review on. turned on the tv, nothing great was on. i settled for some tunes instead. the playlist was at a random and i started thinking about her. it's been a while since the last time i sent her an SMS, maybe i'll text her now. i looked for a nice quote to send her way. and as soon as i was ready to send the message, i heard a message alert tone from my phone. it was her. were we thinking of the same thing? what a coincidence; or as we hopeless romantics would say, it was magic.

i used to believe in those kind of things: sparks, magic, serendipity, and everything in the list of what's what in the bible of the hopeless romantic. i started living in the real world after a series of unfortunate events. somehow, i've been able to install a brain inside my heart. but it can only control so much. it'll never take away the bliss that i feel everytime magic and fireworks come my way.

her text goes:

tinkerbell to peterpan: do u knw dat place btween asleep & awake? That place where u can remember dreaming? Thats wer il always love u. Thats wer il be waiting.

show me how to get there for i sure would want to stay in that place between asleep & awake. where happily ever after exists...

crashed and burned but saved by a prayer

a computer crash is nothing new to me. my windows xp is so unstable that i routinely back-up xp files and repair the system. a crash happens once a month, sometimes twice. i have even memorized the serial code for windows xp.

it's a saturday. i was grooming up, almost ready to leave the house for my internship. i decided to jazz it up a little and listen to some music. i booted the computer, xp started and i opened winamp. i clicked on the sound of my selection but all i heard was silence. a few more clicks then something played. but this wasn't my song, what the f*** was going on?

a panicked roni opened up some other more programs, trying to figure out what happened. my folder of mp3s showed 625 files. 625 files? last time i checked i had 2500++. my mind was perplexed. it was already 9am, i sent an SMS to carlo, i had to spend some time on this, i had to be late. after 30 minutes of squeezing out all the techie knowledge in my brain, i had to quit.

an hour train ride to the hospital was all about concern. i arrived and still i was troubled. i spent so much time and effort to get those mp3s and now i had to do it all again. i was blaming myself, why didn't i back-up my mp3s? damn! i was pissed but i kept my cool, i didn't want this to get in the way of work.

good thing my co-interns were tired of the work at the hospital. they decided to leave early to my delight, i could spend more time fixing my computer. we got-off by 4 instead of the usual 8pm. another one hour train ride home, this time filled with prayer and hope. i didn't want to spend 3 or more months just to recover my mp3s. i was anxious to get home. i prayed to God, asking him to make my 'fix-your-own' tactics on my computer work...

he answered my prayers. all the distress, the fear and the frustration was flushed down the toilet in an instant. all my mp3s were back. i was still clueless on the incident though. i don't know why my files disappeared in the morning and miraculously pops back up in the afternoon. but i'd rather forget about it and just be thankful all was back to normal.

covered in rain

scattered rainshowers and thunderstorms, the weather forecast said. but for some reason, i decided not to bring an umbrella today. i woke up late for my 7am class. no surprises there. i was an hour behind on schedule. i never rushed, figured i was already late, so what the heck. i came in more than an hour late, an hour and 15 mins late to be exact. i asked around, and just as i thought, the lecturer was late and started only 15 minutes before i arrived. a quick discussion and we were dismissed after 15 minutes more. maybe i should've stayed home and didn't have to waste money on a lecture that is more like a reading class.

i didn't want my day to end on a lousy note so i invited a couple of friends for some donuts. go nuts donuts. i had coffee, the peanut butter and choco frost donuts were great, had a few laughs, and called it a day.

midway through my train ride i started to notice dark clouds forming. a few minutes more and raindrops started to splash through the train windows. maybe the rain wont be that strong when i get off, i still have my jacket. but as the doors opened, just the sound of the rain made me see myself soaking wet.

i braved the shower, i just wanted to go home. there was something about the rain that makes me somewhat miserable. maybe it's the metaphor of being covered in rain. but i've already decided to leave the drama and not allow myself to drown in dormant emotions. i took a tricycle instead of walking home for at least five minutes. that saved me five minutes of walking, thinking, and getting wet. i was at the door, puffy, tiny and spark greeted me with enthusiasm. a simple welcome that brightened up my day.

more mistakes... (a SPAM worth reading pt. II)

more of the mistakes men make with women...

6. Not getting how attraction works for women
a guy sees a sexy, beautiful woman and instantly feels an attraction. do women act the same? apparently not all the time. it seems that attraction for women is triggered by stuff other than looks. of course it would help if you look good but it shouldn't stop there.

7. Thinking that it takes money and looks
a lot of men have low self-esteem and give-up right away when they fall for someone who they think is more superior in terms of looks and riches. take a look around. how many times have you seen a couple and go: "pare, lugi yung babae..." most women are more interested in a man's personality than his looks and money.

8. Giving away all your power to women
keep some for yourself. most women are attracted to men who are in charge. wussies are a turn-off.

9. Not knowing exactly what to do in each type of situation with women
being clueless on what to do on a date or something isn't exactly attractive. you mind end up doing a staring contest, and then waiting for someone to make a move or just utter something. there are a few occasions where you can turn this around and laugh about it but only if you now what to do, if you can handle pressure well.

10. Not getting help
i guess it's the "machismo" in men that makes them allergic to getting help. guys don't like to show that they need help, unfortunately most men do need help (such as i). i learned this valuable lesson the hard way. get help in dealing with women. listen to your friends. more often than not, what they say is usually right. they have the best seat in the house, they know what's going on with you best.

that's about it, i hope this helps i know it helped me quite a bit in understanding the female psyche. and as for the ladies, any comments or violent reactions are most certainly welcomed and encouraged. maybe through this, we can bridge the gap between man and woman.