who broke my mug?

mugs. the ever so popular gift item that everybody receives during the holidays. and instead of throwing them away or keeping them together with the i'll-think-of-what-i'll-do-with-you-later stuff, i use them whichever way i can. i have 3 mugs sitting in my room, 2 for pens and another for just about anything. i have another 4 mugs in the office, 2 for pens and the other 2 for coffee. one from home and the other from her. the latter became the instant favorite and the other forgotten.

then my mug went missing. i needed my daily kick of caffeine but my mug is nowhere to be found. who has it? who used it without my consent? i had no time to figure it out so i just used a not so special coffee cup. then after my first sip, someone gave me a clue on my mug's whereabouts. "i saw a mug near the trash and i think it's broken." i checked it out right away and there it was, lying broken on the floor like a dead robber killed by a vigilante. the only thing missing was the white chalk to trace the oultine of its remains.

so who broke my mug? was it the utility guy who washes the dishes? was it the guy who told me he saw it broken? no one would take responsibility. i can point fingers all day but that's just it, there is no point.

maybe it was me who broke that mug after all.

poker face

everything is a game. i started out with only a handful and next thing you know i’m at half a million. then the following week i’m flat broke. life can be cruel sometimes but you can’t hate the players, it’s the game of chance that is to blame.

the adventures and misadventures i have had the past year and a half didn’t start without taking risks. i took the risk, throwing caution to the wind. i knew that it was a dead-end journey but that didn’t stop me, didn’t stop us. it was worth it i think.

ante up. and i went all-in. i won big time. i won time and time again, losing a few scratches here and there but i was unstoppable, nowhere but up. i was on a high. then it all came crashing down. quit while you’re ahead i thought. but i was doing so good that i didn’t mind the losses. i’ll get them back. i went all-in with bulletproof hands but i kept on losing time and time again, winning a few scratches here and there, going nowhere fast. until finally i lost everything i had with only a rank status to remind everyone that i was once at the top of this game.

now i play this game with caution, with more folds than all-in’s. inch by inch i’m crawling my way up the ladder. getting more and more confident as i win the tables. sooner or later i’ll be the risk taker again, piling up the victories. one wrong push of a button then it’ll all be gone once again. but this time i know better. i just need to find me a seat.

the next page

unforeseen events led to the sudden conclusion of the infamous Misadventures of Roni G! i've made a makeshift blog somewhere with less than 10 readers but it didn't fill the void. it was about the wrong person but was made for all the right reasons. time to turn a new leaf. on to the next page.

irish spring

so i had a really rough day. i still haven't figured out what to do to distract myself from the ever lonely train ride to work. everyday is still a struggle. i thought i had it all figured out. i was happy, i was having a good time, i've met a lot of new people, everything was going great. even i was convinced that i was doing great. have i been lying to myself all along?

compliments came from all angles, no one had a clue i was still having this crappy feeling. i looked good and felt good so i thought i was good. there was even a time when i asked myself, if i had one wish right now, what would it be? of course she popped in my head easily but somehow i lost interest. then i thought i would rather not have a wish right now for i really don't know what i want anymore.

and now here i am again. same old sh*t. typing words coming out of nowhere.

i clearly understand that the odds of me giving up is the same as she coming back. yeah, i could imagine you reading this right now, pausing for a couple of seconds just to raise that hand gesture of an "L" in your forehead. go on, knock yourself out. say anything you want about me. i just wish this doesn't happen to you. of course there are people who have worse problems than me thinking we should trade places. but do they seriously think that knowing these things will make things better for me? or even for them for that matter. oh crap, i'm throwing punches under water again, i need to stop.

this is me having a major relapse. far worse than the relapses i had before. great. just great.

thank you for coming, come again.

number 20

i was up in the clouds for a few days. i honestly thought i was moving. i was feeling pretty good finding out some details making me way ahead of the game. or so i thought.

the best part about celebrating my birthday at the orphanage was the fact that i haven't thought of her a bit for one whole day. second best was finding out there's hope for me. even brighter than the star i saw her face and i felt butterflies in my stomach again. i need to know more about her.

this is blog number 20.

number 19

two times a dozen for two sizes up. one day away.

it was a rather interesting couple of weeks that passed. i went out on a couple of "friendly" dates, played a great game of basketball, went to my lola's place in tondo (the land of the brave), had a few drinks with a congressman, and oh yeah, i celebrated my birthday. whoop-ti-doo. ahh.. the sweet taste of sarcasm.

so what gives? why am i in a rather blogging mood? ding ding ding, we have a winner! no pun intended, there was no apostrophe before the word "ding."

i thought i was handling things quite well now. but why do i feel a cavity in my chest? everyone's happy that i've recovered. if you only knew. i was convinced myself that this was over and done. a little lie during dinner made me realize i was a fool. i was lying to myself.

i'm not back to where i started, i've made some steps forward, no question there. but i guess this is the "process," long, tiring, frustrating and fulfilling. the light at the end of the tunnel is still a mere dot, but it'll be bigger, slowly but surely.

oh and by the way, thanks to you who made my birthday special. thanks number 5!

this is blog number 19.

water under the bridge II

who would've thought i'd be having a part two of this blog. this time i must admit it's a bit early to make ends meet. 3 full months versus the more than 5 months the first time, i'm still waiting for the outcome. we decided to remain friends, but certain things such as stupid emotions got in the way. one might ask why so soon. i answered the same question myself and it was simple. i am ready.

i'm coming slow but speeding. i'm thankful for everything that has happened. i've learned a lot from this ride. now my smiles are authentic. no more poses for pictures that aren't being taken.

i've done my part. no more wishful thinking, only a level head and a brighter future ahead. the ball's on your end now. what happens next will be the guage of your maturity as well as mine.

from my post last August 10, 2005:
"...i told her that by now, the thing that happened between us should be water under the bridge. i also told her not to have the wrong idea, that i was not looking for a second chance, i just don’t want us to be bitter enemies when we can be friends..."

bittersweet

two times a dozen for two sizes up.
another wish granted, another promise broken.
the first was none, second was one.
sixteen days before fourteen, this third should've been gone.
seventy-five souls to feed, one heart to heed, the other to bleed.
under the mistletoe, over my head.
one step forward, two steps back.
His will against my want.
the space between, we'll fill in time.

lights out

i was sick the entire week, throat sore, nose stuffed and coughing like hell. but when my cousins asked me to play ball this afternoon, i didn't hesitate. not even lung cancer can stop me from playing this game. i felt a great game in me today. and indeed it was.

warming up i was shooting the lights out. it feels good to be back! the ever so sweet sound of the net as the ball never hits the rim, music to my ears. the game started and after a couple of buckets my head started to feel funny. i was breathing heavily and coughing like there's no tomorrow. the mind and heart is willing but the body is weak.

so i took a quick breather. drank lots of water and splashed some to cool myself down.

i'm slippin, i'm fallin, i gots to get up. with dmx barking, i stood up and let my heart pull my mind and body. a bit conservative at first but after a couple of shots, there it was. i was an arrogant, trash-talking ass once again and i'm loving it. i'm on fire.

can nobody take my pride, can nobody hold me down. i gotta keep on movin'.